I began working on this piece in April 2024 in lieu of a long rant on the FB page. Well, since I'm going back in the drafts to see what can be revisited and published, albeit belatedly, there is no hook, but I did I finally see that really bad movie about Magical Negroes. --ADH
So let's not mince words here because you already know where this is going: not all skinfolks are kinfolks...
Let's not forget that as we contemplate whether to reinvite certain people back to the barbecue this summer. I don't care if those old ladies stayed up all night in the church kitchen, we not going anywhere near that funeral. We haven't forgotten. Some of y'all weren't even born yet, so don't allow any of these folks to rewrite history or act brand new. So yes, I am obviously referring to that Black lady at the Chick-fil-A in Georgia who went viral for fellating Trump after he bought her one of those homophobic milkshakes. And I am also referring to a certain sportswriter who got on Al Gore's internet with his version of small-b history--lacking not just the proper capitalization, but also any kernel of truth. There are a few other honorable mentions, such as those Podcast Bros who can't spell DEI, let alone define it, as well as a very specific and particular pick-me who is trying to act like she's always been down like the four flat tires on that LTD in her uncle's car port.
Yeah, okay Candy O. But first, let's start with a proper eulogy for the man we knew as 'The Juice'.
Orenthal James: When You Just Don't Stay Black and Die
Not only am I old enough to remember the trial, but I am old enough to remember when he was still playing professional football (although I am not old enough to remember which team he played for without consulting Al Gore's internet). But let the record show, I recall that he was prominently featured in a series of Hertz rental car commercials and that he was in the first episode of the original Roots miniseries. And because I was an avid and dedicated reader of JET Magazine, I remember that he, along with a few others were certified, bona fide Black football GODS (Jim Brown, Rosey Grier, Mean Joe Greene, and Tony Dorsett were his peers).
Thus, when he was accused of killing his second ex-wife in 1994, it was THEE most earth-shattering didn't-see-that-coming and who-knew-he-was-an-abusive-asshole...very much in line with the revelation that Bill Cosby had been drugging and raping women for decades and no one said anything. Because WTF??? But I'm not going to revisit history by offering my opinion on what might have happened or why the verdict remains controversial and contested to this day. Nor am I going to say anything that can be misinterpreted as sympathy because what is the point? Folks are going to believe what they want, and to some, OJ did it or he didn't. He's still dead.
However, what OJ did, inadvertently due to the intergalactic interest in the outcome of that trial was: (1) begat 24/7 news coverage; (2) cultivated the audience for tabloid "news" shows like TMZ, Inside Edition, and even The View; (3) redefined the 21st Century notion of housewifery via the career of one Kristen Mary Houghton Kardashian Jenner; and (4) disproved any illusion that America was close to becoming post-racial. The first three points require no further analysis because the fact is there was no 24-hour cable news coverage of anything other than the most serious of news events until OJ led the police on that low-speed highway "chase" in Al Cowlings' white Ford Bronco. Media personalities Harvey Levin, Star Jones, and Leo Terrell are just a few of the "legal analysts" who made big names for themselves because of that trial. And yes, we need to blame OJ for the ubiquity of all things Kardashian.
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| I know...this is not OJ |
As to the fourth point, to all of the delusional Gen X frat boys who want to misremember the 80s and 90s as being post-racial on social media, the OJ Simpson Trial of the Century remains Exhibit A that there is a list of lies y'all need to stop telling yourselves. There is NO such thing as being post-racial. While there are Black people who get to leave the 'hood, experience great success, amass enormous wealth, and even happily marry someone white, none of those elements combine into some magic elixir that causes race to disappear. Allegedly, OJ infamously quipped that he wasn't Black because he was OJ Simpson; and until that fateful night in June 1994, his legend transcended what it meant to be Black. Mind you, there were police reports and documented accusations of his domestic abuse, but he wasn't demonized as dangerous, unmarketable, or unheroic until his blond ex-wife was found slaughtered in her home. Suddenly he reverted into King Kong, a beastly Black brute that had to be destroyed.
So yes, OJ was guilty of myriad sins and transgressions, and that may have probably included murder. The lingering dilemma these 30 years later isn't whether he killed his wife, but how his Blackness convinced people that he did it before any evidence was presented in court. How did he become the sole suspect, how did the police mishandle the investigation, or how might the world have reacted if the victim had been his first ex-wife? Do we pretend that none of those questions matter because it is more socially acceptable to insist that race was not a central reason why this case became such a BFD--that it was his celebrity and the gruesomeness of the crime?
Really? Because from where I sat and watched everything unfold, it was his race that allowed the LAPD to redirect attention from their misconduct (exposed and exploited by the defense team at trial), which ultimately that contributed to the acquittal. It matters that women still can't expect to receive any empathy when they are the victims of sexual violence, especially when their abuser is a famous man. It matters that there is and always has been a two-tiered system of justice that favors the affluent, in spite of the sanctimonious pronouncements that Justice is the great blind equalizer. It matters that some of y'all who are still mad about OJ Simpson being acquitted are going to boldly and unapologetically vote for another rich asshole who mistreats women to be President again...
Trojan Horses
If you studied any ancient folklore, computer science, or happened to see this Lunchables pretzel commercial, then you are probably familiar with the myth of the Trojan Horse. If not, then get thee to Google, and then come back here to read about these folks who think they we're too stupid to know who sent them and what manner of foolishness they plan to unleash if we let them into to the cookout. We see you, boo.
Therefore, young lady from Trump's early April campaign stop at the Vine City Chick-fil-A, nice try, but there's a reason why your milkshake stunt didn't bring more folks from the Yard. We all knew that you were a GOP operative, and not some random customer because you were just a little too eager. Everybody knows that these kinds of campaign stops/photo opportunities are staged by both sides. Given that Trump isn't known for his ability to ignore hecklers or take a joke, of course, the "customers" needed to be his supporters or willing to appear as such on camera, lest it turn into a Biden church rally. However, you made a couple of unforced errors, starting with the choice to go to a fast-food place that serves fried chicken on Fried Chicken Wednesday! No wonder you couldn't entice more than a handful of students to leave their campuses. And whose bright idea was it to promote the fantasy of Trump as some kind of rich-man-of-the-people by ordering 10 milkshakes he didn't even pay for?
Was that your entire paycheck for the month of April?
We can all see a blatant pander for votes coming from miles away, such as promising to cancel student loan debt or inviting the cast from A Different World to the White House. We aren't that naive, even though the Vice President happens to be an alum of Howard University, located a few subway stops uptown. And yeah, we'll concede that the announcement of President Biden giving the commencement address at Morehouse might be another stunt to secure the Black Mother of the Church vote. However, other than making a quick campaign drive by at a Chick-fil-A franchise near six HBCU campuses, what else has Trump done to cultivate Black voters? He touts his strong support of HBCU funding as an accomplishment of his Administration, yet his reluctance to actually visit one where he could have met with that same handful of College Republicans is...more authentic?
Presuming that someone who actually wants our votes (and not fighting tooth and nail to have them disqualified or suppressed) would make a more substantive or genuine effort that doesn't reinforce certain stereotypes, consider that the audience for this stunt was not undecided or ambivalent Black people. This Trojan Horse was sent to reassure Trump's base that he is still viable, especially if he was willing to go to the hood for a handful of votes. He just pulled off a similar visit to a bodega in Harlem, so expect more of these I'm-a-victim-like-just-like-you popups if they appear to help his poll numbers.
Candace Owens is another wolf in sheep's clothing, conveniently free to speak for herself now after being fired from The Daily Wire. She claims to have always been pro-black (lowercase b), and she might have gotten away with that lie if she had done her exit interview with Sherri Shepherd instead of Charlamayne tha Clown...
We see you too, gurl. And nobody is buying your belated Saul-to-Paul conversion on the road to Damascus act if you didn't know that God is good all the time and all the time God is good.
The Year of Magical Negroes
No, I hadn't seen that movie (at least not when I began writing this in the Spring*), but I understand the trope (thank you, Roy Wood, Jr.). Although some of you still seem confused...
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| Geordi LaForge, not Levar Burton, is the Magical Negro |
Thus, when a certain sportswriter strayed way out of his lane to explain the history of Lift Ev'ry Voice and its designation as the Negro National Anthem to a bunch of trolls on El Muscato's internet platform even though Google is still free...
First of all, let me start by saying that I have been waiting for just the right moment to address Jason Whitlock's fuckery for quite a while. I was aware of him, but not being that rabid a sports fan, I never bothered to delve that deeply into his work. Then I happened upon this ridiculous movie review he gave for The Woman King (2022) and wondered what Black woman shanked him and left him for dead, because whet? Thereafter, I was further annoyed that by clicking on that foolywang, more of his nonsensical musings kept showing up in my TL (thanks to them allowing the elongated muskrat to play with the buttons at HQ unsupervised). I knew it was just a matter of time before Whitlock would resurface to make ashy grunts again (maga)--his way of being relevant so that I would have a legitimate reason to respond. And I've finally got some time...
Since we, the Blacks, don't get to vet these magical negroes, we're already suspicious of them and their motives. There is always something not quite right--like being goth or vegan, which might be part of their charm; nevertheless, it ain't none of our business unless that quirkiness ventures beyond its designated area of influence. Meaning, we don't mind that the weird Black dude speaks Klingon as long as he doesn't try to convince us to try potato salad tastes better with raisins.
Nobody asked for that, so (I repeat) in a world where Google is free, why would anybody decide that Jason Whitlock's self-loathing ass is a more credible resource on Black culture and history? Especially when several other learned and credentialed Black people had already provided factual information on the topic...unless the point was to stoke more faux outrage, sow discord, and seek engagement. The very idea that Whitlock sent out that white power-washed history of Lift Ev'ry Voice that received 3000 likes, as if he stayed up all night binging old Boondocks episodes to get that Uncle Ruckus impression just right, is a level of tomfuckery that requires new words <-- see what I did there?
Such is the problem with magical negroes. Working for the Black community doesn't offer the same amenities or benefits, so it is understandable why the promotion from regular to magical is so alluring. As I have observed from my visits to the other side, they got nice stuff over there...but they have made it clear that there is a quota. No redundancies or aspirations, so once a magical realizes how lucky they are, the rest of us can go straight to hell.
* And...months later, I'm back to tie this all up in a bow to publish because--yeah, I meant ALLOFDIS! Not sure why I got all caught up in my head and didn't post it sooner, but now I can share a few additional thoughts:
- I did finally see that movie, and it was bad. The premise was promising, but halfway through it just got lost. David Alan Grier, while perfectly cast, was once again thrust into a role that really didn't serve him (and that's something that he might need to take up with his team, because in this interview, he clearly understood the assignment). It was a swing and a miss, but not because white people didn't get it and Black folks thought this was going to be a Harry Potter-esque undertaking. Sometimes good ideas get lost in over-thought execution, like a joke that once you realize you had to explain it, falls flat and just withers on the ground.
- So now that Trump will be the DESPOTUS again, do I regret saying what I said? No. And I didn't edit or tone anything down, so you are reading it exactly as I wrote it back in April/May.
- Is it risky to post something like this so soon after the election with the MAGA folks crowing all in our faces? Maybe. But I imagine that OJ's ghost, the handful of black Trump supporters who might get black jobs in his Administration, and anyone else who would be offended shouldn't really give a damn what I think.
- In case you were wondering or were worried, I love LeVar Burton and am happy to see that his character in the Star Trek universe has evolved since his early days on the bridge of the U.S.S. Enterprise. I could have chosen another example, but I didn't want to over-edit the original piece.
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