Your First BBW Public Service Announcement for 2023

I don't know who needs to see this (and saying that is like nails on a chalkboard for me), but my dear children, please stop posting things you might live to regret on the internet! Don't say anything racist, sexist, anti-Semitic, anti-Islamic, homo- or transphobic, anti-science, irreligious, pro-fascist, intolerant or hateful. Especially not using your full government name, an obvious nickname or mononyn, portmanteau, or other self-identifying information one can use to respond with a snarky "This you? -->"

Auntie is still hanging out on the Bird app, and prior to the hostile takeover by the Muskrat and The Deplorables, you all know that I found it to be a rather amusing and often inspiring space for various kinds of content. So far this month, I have seen all kinds of egregious acts of tomfoolery and self-destruction; therefore, I feel compelled to make this very important announcement in case anyone needs a reminder at the start of this new year.

Y'all need to be A LOT more discerning. I implore you to heed the wisdom from this scene in The Social Network (2010) where the woman Mark Zuckerburg previously dated dresses him down for having made crude remarks about her in a chat room after they had broken up. In case you decide not to watch the entire clip, allow me to paraphrase the important part: the shit you say on the internet is like writing on a white board with a Sharpie!

It doesn't go away. It may not come up as one of the first few hits on Google, but trust that some over-eager hiring manager or determined potential romantic partner will find whatever you should not have said/done/posted somewhere. Unless you were lucky enough to have been one of those people whose hate speech was inscribed on some old forgotten Geocities blog or an Ask Jeeves bulletin board, trust that everything you say and do can be spun against you.

I know that some of you think that if you go to great lengths to obscure your identity, you can say whatever. You may have a decoy profile or use an alias. And that might work unless and until someone who knows you in real life reveals your Clark Kent alter ego. I've done it inadvertently to a few folks without any nefarious intent, but there is an entire show on MTV called Catfish that unmasks social media pretenders and phonies. I'm just saying that one of the many reasons why you need to be mindful of what you are putting out in the cyber-universe is that somebody, somewhere is going to discover that it was you and put all of your business in these tweets.

For example, if you decide to post one of those Am I The Asshole (AITA) queries on Reddit, I am here to tell you that (a) yes, you probably are and you know it because everyone who actually knows you already said so; and (b) crowdsourcing for affirmation of your shitty behavior in and of itself implies that you are indeed very much an asshole. Now, I am not a subscriber, but because some of the most polarizing queries make their way over to Twitter, I rarely read one where the person and/or behavior isn't totally outrageous. And because some of y'all aren't that clever, I have seen quite a few instances where the original poster is outed because of some random detail they didn't realize was a big NEON clue.

I have been amused and equally scandalized by the posts on Six Brown Chicks for years. I don't remember when I first encountered that account, but it was at some point before all of us began actively developing social media addictions because of the pandemic. (But definitely after they had been on Iyalya, Fix My Life and I am 💀 because how y'all gonna post other people's dysfunctional mess when woah?) I read some wild stuff in those tweets, and initially assumed that it was one of those spot the real story among these five fakes, kind of like the Bluff the Listener segment on NPR's Wait, Wait...Don't Tell Me. So color me all the way shocked with pearls clutched when I learned that ALL of the stories submitted are allegedly real! I mean, dayum...

(I hope the names are changed to protect the terminally dumb, because woowee, there are a lot more stupid people in the world than there should be. And some of y'all are definitely repeat offenders.)

Since the pandemic has all of the young people vying for internet infamy on the Click Clock app, I get to see whatever someone re-posts to Twitter, and let me just say how I would have preferred for y'all to have kept much of that to yourselves. I can't even understand half of the language used (such as un-aliving, which appears to annoy my Spell-check as well), but I honestly do not understand why everything has to be revealed like Geraldo Rivera cracking Al Capone's vault. What is the point?

Like why is there an entire genre of videos where y'all opine on how much you hate dating? Here's a thought, just stop. If you believe women only want to eat out on your dime and men only want sex, then umm yeah, that ain't new. That was definitely a consistent theme of dating back when I was out there in the 90s. Therefore, if you are a person who was born at any point in that decade, then I can't credibly ask who raised you since I already know (and I'm so disappointed that we ruined your lives like that). These young adults are our confused, socially maladjusted children, GenXers, born in the era when we went on Jerry Springer and Ricki Lake to air our dirty laundry instead of going to the laundromat and/or getting therapy.

It was also in the 90s that the rules began to change around gender equality, and I was taught that it was acceptable to pay for my own meals, so as not to set up any unreasonable or inappropriate expectations. That came in handy when I was away at college where nobody had much money. As such, there were no existential dilemmas about who paid for what because we were all broke and hungry. On-campus dating was a bootleg video, pizza ordered for everyone on the hallway, and maybe a soda if somebody had extra change. Some of my friends who regularly went on those dorm dates are still married!

In contrast, single folks in the 21st Century are out here in the tweets posting screen shots of pre-date questionnaires sent in lieu of first-date small talk, which is deemed a waste of time. Some of you get really salty about splitting the check for multi-course dinners at The Olive Garden where you ordered and ate 2/3 of the food. Folks are naming and claiming their ideal mate in the name of Jesus and a lot of these self-styled relationship experts you follow are just charlatans selling advice from their cars. No wonder everybody is ruined and confused.

I know I veered off topic a bit (because dangit, that's how my middle-aged brain works these days), but the bottom line is that if your child leaves a thirsty, threatening, and profanity laden voicemail for my daughter, trust that I am going to find them. And if I get arrested, I got bail money. But more importantly, she has a Daddy who grew up in Brooklyn in the 80s, so there's that.

Here is my real point: how many jobs have you lost because of your thoughtless faith in free speech? Don't you know that your viral, racist rants have been viewed by some HR person who decided that the tatted stoner would be less problematic? The late Kevin Samuels gave good advice on personal grooming, and I hope that his undertakers followed through so that his Mama was pleased. Young Sis, these dudes you date ain't isht because they weren't looking to you for any lifelong connections when your profile pic was all boobs and ass. And to that dude with no job who was angry at the woman who didn't immediately respond to his 'WYD' text message because she was on her J-O-B, c'mon Son? The cost of infamy is high like the price of eggs...

Haven't you seen how swiftly social media 'justice' gets dispensed? These folks will find you quicker than the amount of time it takes for me to realize that my reading glasses are on my face! Life comes at you fast, my beloved. And when it does, don't come back on Blue Ivy's internet to decry cancel culture as if the world ought to just let you be an idiot with no consequences. This ain't the 1960s when the only evidence of your inner thoughts might have been some historic photograph...

Years ago, when I was teaching, I showed this photo of Elizabeth Eckford (Black lady in shades, of the Little Rock Nine) in class, and of course someone commented on the faces in the background, including that of Hazel Bryan (the one who appears to be yelling at Eckford). To be honest, I never wondered about that woman or what might have happened to her until the student raised the question in class. In my research for an answer, I learned that the two women had met, reconciled, and had posed for another picture that was intended to demonstrate the power of forgiveness and racial healing. Kumbaya, they were even friends for a while, until...

You can read for yourself about what happened in the aftermath. My assumption of what contributed to the breakdown is exactly the kind of consequences that y'all think you shouldn't face. You think that people ought to forgive you for being young, but youth doesn't change the impact of your actions. I don't know what it must have been like to live with the weight of that photo for all of those years, but I do know that an apology was not the kind of eraser she hoped it would have been. It was just a start on the road to healing.

Take it from someone who wore stirrup pants and acid wash jeans in the 80s, mistakes happen. However, the difference between a mistake and a bad choice is intention. It was a bad choice to ridicule the girl in my class back in middle school to try to look cool to the other kids. I can't undo the harm I caused. If we were to cross paths all of these years later, my feeble apology wouldn't mean much except maybe to assuage my guilt, so I have no right to expect anything, not even a polite acknowledgement. Therefore, the lesson Auntie is offering to you youngins is that when you know you're about to do wrong, for goodness sakes, don't make a permanent record of your foolishness! Or just don't do it.

Dassit, that's the word. As my Daddy used to tell me: A wise man learns from the mistakes of others; the average man learns from his own mistakes; but a fool never learns. If you can't be wise enough not to do dumb things in the first place, then for goodness sakes don't be the fool. Don't immortalize your shit unless you plan to run for Congress as a Republican (and something tells me they gonna drag this one forever, and it won't end well for them either).

Hindsight is 2020

I am sitting here on the last day of the year that will never be forgotten. I can't actually come up with an adequate description that doesn't sound cliche, so let's just call it the year of hindsight. A year when we learned that everything we thought we knew could be both right and wrong at the same time. A year that I should have known was going to be Hell because it began with me weeping inconsolably at the stroke of midnight in church when the grief and tears that I had been holding inside for a week finally forced their way out of me like a shaken carbonated beverage when the seal is broken. 

Now that you have a visual, thankfully we only have a few more hours to go.

I had plans to write something longer and more thoughtful. I considered all of the pieces that were not completed that might deserve some final resolution. I spent the bulk of this morning working on a project that took up more time than intended, so now that the day is practically over, and I have tasks that are still undone...and the fact that I spent a great deal of time this year camped out in front of this computer just trying to finish one last thing, I will make this as quick as possible. (I wrote that four hours ago.)

I accomplished a lot this year. I wrote a lot. I found a way to write even as I had to adjust to a broken computer screen (freak airport accident); seemingly less time because of my daughter's school schedule (before the 'temporary' shutdown became permanent); and even through this sudden career change to becoming a virtual Montessori teacher's aide/classroom Mom. I sit here on the last day of the year pleased that I got anything done, including all of that laminating that I thought would never be finished. Although, never enough laundry...

As is always the case, my successes in one area came at the expense of other aspects of my life. I will not be entering the New Year with a clean slate--not even a clean kitchen. I should have been inspired by everyone else's purging and organizing, but I've gone in the opposite direction. I haven't exercised in months, I have been eating too much fried chicken, and some of the local liquor stores know me by name. If anyone needs to make a list of resolutions to break in a few weeks, that would most certainly be me. I have an unfinished vision board for 2020, so I maybe I will try to pick up where I left off and see what happens by February.

I took some steps towards really building this brand this year, and that has been great and scary at the same time. While I was disappointed by a few launch failures, I am not deterred. My glass is still half full. I have more readers/followers and have had opportunities to introduce my brand of punditry to my peers in ways that I never could have imagined (much love to my Morehouse Brother Ol' Hobbs). I have reconnected with some sisters, sorors, family, and good friends, and expanded my tribe with a few fellow blerds. Everything happens when and how it should. 

My mother is still here! Y'all don't even know how close I could have come to disaster this summer. If I had not listened to that inner voice that insisted that I check on her in person, in spite of the social distancing protocols...the same voice that warned me ten years ago to pay closer attention to her and not to listen to anyone who tried to downplay what I was experiencing. (Now I am not telling anyone to violate the guidelines, but I am telling you that you must step in to intervene as necessary with the proper precautions to protect our seniors. The isolation and despair of this pandemic has killed plenty of people who weren't even exposed to the virus.)

I am amazed at how much my daughter has grown this year. She is half my height at five years old, a very gregarious and imaginative child, unlike the quiet, defiant little chickadee she was just a 18 months ago. I need to spend more time with her, which feels like an insane thing to say since we've been practically inseparable for the past nine months. But the other day she asked me why I am always in a meeting because she came in and saw me on the computer with headphones on, which is pretty much how she always sees me. But I am what I am...

And that is a Busy Black Woman. An unapologetically Black woman, with a capital B--and I say that in case someone else wants to accuse me of being a racist. Yes, remember when that actually happened? So in case the Facebook algorithm that brought those disgruntled Canadians to my page decides to trip again, I'm still here, and I'm not going to tone down to make them or anyone feel better about their own insecurities. You're mad at me for being proud of my ancestry? You want to convince me that I have reasons to be ashamed of conditions that were imposed on my people? Look colonizers, I've reached the age where I'm ready to tell folks that my birthmark is an IDGAF tattoo. Get some therapy, and then come tell me about myself.

Because I'm digging in and never backing down. I am finally at that place of not seeing myself as some coulda-been. I spent too many years feeling like an imposter because I thought that I was supposed to have been some big shot attorney or otherwise living some illusion of success. Thanks to 2020, I officially let that shit go--I am what I say I am. So I proudly claim that other capital B, for I stay Busy for a woman with no real job. And it is finally okay that I am not where I thought I should be at this point in my life since God has been pretty clear at steering me to this place of infinite possibilities. 

I thought I would regret not realizing that sooner, but I don't. The early part of my life was spent in a rush trying to achieve these artificial milestones of accomplishment--graduating high school at 16, college at 20, law school at 23, and passing the bar by 24...but for what? To wake up 20+ years later and wonder if all life had to offer was a 401(k), red bottom shoes, and a McMansion in the suburbs?

So I will tell you what I do regret--not cutting my hair this short sooner. I regret some of the bad habits that this pandemic has encouraged, but I like wearing caftans and yoga pants, so those are keepers. I regret that I didn't start growing my collard greens until September because I would have those to harvest and cook instead of having to go to the grocery store. I regret allowing myself to ever feel powerless by making choices in the past that put the happiness of others ahead of my own. In that I am not alone because Black women are groomed to see ourselves as saviors. I see the memes and the declarations on Twitter. And y'all can have that. I'm not anybody's Superwoman.

This was supposed to be a quick reflection. So to bring this piece to a close so that I can get out of this spot that I have been sitting in since this morning, here are my words of intention for the year 2021: vision, purpose, and bold. Stick with me to see how that will make more sense to you as you continue on this journey with me.

The Busy Black Woman Holiday Gift Guide (2019)

One never knows how a seemingly random idea can turn into a major project. On Christmas morning last year, I decided to take a few photos of the gifts I had bought from some local and small businesses, just on a whim. I thought I had gotten some cool stuff, and wanted to share those finds with my friends and followers. Then I posted some photos and this index to the blog, with no real plan for any next steps.

Then at some point during the past year, I decided to make my personal support of small, Black, women-owned, and local businesses a theme of the blog and on its Instagram page. If you happen to follow me on either my personal or blog pages, then you know that I have a seemingly endless supply of tee shirts (not including the ones associated with this blog, but I digress). In addition to the usual randomness, I use the IG page to follow many entrepreneurs, and have been blessed to connect with several of them in real life.

So as the 2019 Holiday Season comes to a close, I wanted to take time again to provide an index of gifts and companies that were featured in the Busy Black Woman Holiday Giving Guide. As always, whenever I have big plans, life happens, but what else is new? However, this year I thought ahead...What would the Oprah do (#WWTOD)?

Well, without my own magazine, staff, or an unlimited budget, I began posting my finds in on my social media in November until I was done with my shopping. The fact that I didn't finish posting until Christmas Eve notwithstanding, my hope is that you will use this as a year-long reference to answer the elusive 'how-do-I-support-Black-businesses' question. .

Get Your Paper Together
At some point this year, the major retailers finally got the notice that families of color might like to see Santa rendered in our likeness. I know that probably annoys some folks (Meghan 'Santa-is-white-and-Jesus-too' Kelly), but check it, Santa is whomever dons the suit. If you were lucky enough to score a roll or two of mainstream retail Santa paper, that's great; otherwise, place your orders now with Copper and Brass Paper Goods or Midnight Reflections. You will note that both Santas made appearances throughout the Gift Guide this year. I plan to add Clarence Claus from Greentop Gifts to my stash for the sake of variety, and you can also check out Etsy to see a few other whimsical multicultural options.

You Get a Box!
I still roll with the Izzy and Liv Brown Sugar Box, which expanded this year to include two children's boxes and a men's box. I haven't signed up with any other subscriptions yet, but the Because of Them We Can Box is topping my list for my now tween Niece. If you are a sorority sister, there are the Ivy Storehouse Box, the Dear Delta Box, and the Finer Things Box...and now that this has become a thing, I'm sure you will find something therein to fit your needs accordingly.

Stylin' and Profilin'
I featured hometown shirts on the IG page since DC finally hit the big leagues by winning the Stanley Cup, the WNBA Championships, and the World Series this year. I have always been proud to showcase hometown pride, so here are a few of my favorites: Ask Me Tees, Bailiwick Clothing, Check It Enterprises, CrankRock, I'm So DC (the hardest working sister in the urrea), and On Us Tees. Get one (or more)!

I want to shout out my Spelman Sisters who helped me to *bling* it during my Reunion weekend: Ourglass Apparel, SpelHouse Swag, and DiviniCo (who designed our class tee).

Lighting the Way
Candles are the new thing in small business, so now that the Kid is a little older, I have been excited to discover new and unique scent combinations. On our holiday trip to NYC, I discovered the honey-rich scents of Lomar Farms made from beeswax. I received some incense from the Posh Candle Company in an Izzy and Liv box, so I decided to try the candles, and in addition to the intense scents, the names are most intriguing. I also shopped with KSM Candle Company in Baltimore and Isabis this year.

Books, Puzzles and Notes
After attending the East of the River Book Festival last year (so sad to miss it this time), I have been excited to collect books from new and emerging authors for the young people in my life. I also made a point of shopping at the independent bookstores, such as Mahogany Books in DC and Grandma's Place in Harlem, which yielded some offerings I might not have found otherwise. Some highlights include The Nutcracker in Harlem, The Undefeated, Hair Love, She Stood for Freedom, and A is for Ancestors.

I stocked up on some puzzles for the upcoming Winter birthday party season from Puzzle Huddle, but I also discovered Little Likes Kids, so I can change things up a bit with games now. For the preteen girls, I think these stickers and journals by Oh So Paper are cute. For the folks who are organized and like to plan things, might I recommend the Arrivista Planner, and my cousin who can teach you some techniques for using it.

Looking Good Girl
Continuing with the tradition that began with Madame C.J. Walker, the market for Black-owned hair care products has expanded from online retail and neighborhood beauty supply to the mainstream. I know that people feel some kind of way about the ethnic hair care aisle, but thanks to brands like Jane Carter, Oyin Handmade, Design Essentials, and Thank God I'm Natural, there are companies like The Lip Bar on the cosmetic aisle at Target. Mented Cosmetics is now available at the Herald Square Macy's and of course Fenty Beauty and Pat McGrath are available at Sephora.

Great products and tools are still available online, such as the Grace Eleyae sleep cap, the Felicia Leatherwood detangler brush (or one of the knock-offs), and the Puff Cuff. Of course, local stores and small pop ups are great for finding products such as Hunny Bunny, Play Pits, and Oasis Soul.

You Wear it Well
What is a pop up without jewelry? This year, I have been breaking out of my comfort zone to embrace new textures and bolder patterns, so Beaded Souls, Hair Free Girl, and Me Two Designs happen to be a few of the jewelry designers whose pieces I've added to my daily rotation. I just discovered Amber Poitier this holiday, so I will be looking to add a few of her pieces in the future.

Miscellaneous
Here is an index of the other businesses I patronized at some point in the year:
Anna + Pookie
Bags by Sistah PG
Bases Loaded Authentic Clothing and Kaps (B.L.A.C.K.) 
Brown Girl Beauty Co-op
BZB International 
Capital City Mambo Sauce
Chat's Liquors
Crowned Charms
Diggin Her Roots Boutique
Heeey SugaFoot! 
Here's the Scoop Ice Cream
Homemade Healing
Ivy's Tea Company
Jacq's Dolls
Jaida A Photography
Jazzabon Creations 
NiLu Gift Shop
Petals, Ribbons and Beyond
Sweet Mossie's Stew Pots
TruGlory Greetings
Unique Aksents
Vegan Skin by Paul Joseph 
Vintage Glam Tea Party & Co.
Yvonne Ex

The Nile List is an effort that was started by one of my Spelman Sisters this year to provide an online guide of Black Businesses, so you should assume that my list isn't nearly as comprehensive...but you get the point. Happy Shopping!

Be It Resolved

It's a few days after the first of the year, and I want to start on a positive note by setting my aspirations for the New Year (these are not resolutions):

1. Build my brand. I didn't meet a lot of my expansion objectives for 2017 for a variety of reasons, but I did write a LOT and I vamped up my social media presence. I'm proud of the fact that I am building an audience, so instead of trying to branch off in new directions, I will focus on doing what I do best. I have taken some steps to engage offline through merchandise, so maybe a few of you will buy something to keep the student loan sharks happy.

2. Forgive those who have hurt me. There are quite a few folks in this category, so I am going to forgive those who pissed me off in 2017. Forgiveness is not the same as forgetfulness, but I refuse to lose any more sleep or gain another pound from toting around anger and frustration.

3. Sow seeds to bless others. I am not asking for anything in return, nor am I expecting anything, but I have learned that generosity is its own reward (try it and you will see what I mean).

4. Eat better. In order to shed the weight that I gained from being so angry for the better part of 2017, I need to change my eating habits. Since the kid likes fruit and veggies, I guess we will eat more of the same. I just need to trick her into drinking more water. Of course, this means I need to cook more.

5. Regular exercise. Continuing with dance classes has been a challenge with a busy Toddlersaurus, but I can walk. I just need to find the right spots to take the kid. I began my year with a 5k walk on New Year's Day, so I just need to keep up that momentum (and buy more cold weather gear).

6. Make more me time. There is a lot I could say about self-care, and after reading this article by Karen Wilder, I don't need much convincing. But in addition to taking time to relax, I actually need to find a way to disconnect. I never got much of a break from being a parent to a toddler and being a caregiver. This year I've got to do better.

7. Quality time with my parents. I had three friends lose a parent last year. Not that I don't spend a lot of time with my parents as it is, but those losses made me rethink the type of time I spend with my parents, most of which is just sitting around. Mobility had been an issue in taking my Mom places, made more challenging with a rambunctious child. But somehow, I need to figure things out. Even if that means I have to occasionally endure three-hour outings to Red Lobster.

8. Reengage in the good fight. I made some small steps in that direction this fall, and I hope to continue. I miss being involved, but I also need to accept that I don't have the flexibility or availability that I used to have. So that means more focus. It also means that I need to be okay with pulling out my checkbook in lieu of showing up places.

9. Reorganize my life. From top to bottom.

10. Jump in. I was discouraged too many times by looking at updates on Facebook of other people's lives and adventures. The vacations. The parties. The squad goals. Well, my goal is not to be envious of what I see, nor is it to make anyone else envious of my life. The goal is simply to live my life on my own terms. I will make choices according to what I can do, but also according to what I want to do. I've already set my sights on a major travel goal this year, and I will make it happen because life is too short to spend it saving for rainy days that come and go while I gawk at Facebook or Instagram photos.

Out with the Old

So here we are, 17 19 days into the new year and three days 23 hours before the Trumpacalypse (started writing this the other night). Did you send a thank you message to the Obamas and do you have your doomsday rations?

My New Year started with a bang, but not in a good way...still dealing with the aftermath with no signs of improvement on the horizon. So I've decided to take my lemons and add some vodka (because I am so over lemonade). I won't bore you with too many details, but I'm going to share some of my New Year's declarations/resolutions:

A new blogger template. I liked the old one, but it got boring so I found something different. It is still a generic Blogger template, which probably means it is way past time to upgrade to a different platform altogether, but baby steps. Because...
 
I plan to incorporate new features, such as Facebook Live! Last year my on-the-fly Election Day post got 500 hits, so imagine what could happen if I planned something specific? So my goal is to post a live video of me in the midst of my busy-ness a few times a year. I am also going to start a Busy Black Woman Podcast! I might need some help from the Niece or some other kid with technical proficiency to get it going, but I want to take my brand to the next level and podcasting is the next big thing. I have several ideas, so look for our maiden voyage sometime this Spring.

More busy-ness. I am finally going to do a new shirt, which means I need to get rid of the old ones. Stay tuned for more information on getting one of our vintage, limited BBW original tees. And look for the great reveal of the new shirt coming this Spring/Summer.

I am also working on a projects for the years ahead. On the FB page I acknowledged that I have been doing a lot more political writing, which would normally be better suited for the Cafe, our sister blog. I need to figure out what that means for the BBW blog because that might alienate some folks if I don't continue to serve up anecdotes about my life, but I happen to believe that a lot of my political opinions have resonance here. So for now, the compromise will be to cross-post to both blogs.

Allow me to tease out one of my upcoming political projects by beginning with this statement: I am just a housewife. My daughter is almost 2, and you already know that I am a caregiver to my mother. I try to stay active in some community activities (and plan to get re-engaged where my commitment has slipped of late), so I have what you might call a full plate. Yet since the election, I have spent a lot of time wondering what more I could do. I am not actively practicing law anymore and it would take a while before things are in a place for me to get a job, so my persistent dilemma was what could I, a mere housewife, do? I'm so glad you asked.

The Sunday after the election I went to hear my Spelman Sister, Soror and all-around Busy Black Woman Marian Wright Edelman speak at Howard University, and one of her standout statements was, "Enough fleas can move even the biggest dog." I've heard several prophetic words since then that echo her sentiment and so I am declaring right now that this Busy Black housewife plans to become a pest (just not a flea :), so stay tuned!

Finally, a stronger commitment to self-care. I want to live long enough to see my Niece elected to the White House, beam with pride when my daughter invents the flying car, and witness my Baby Niece surprise the world with whatever gift God has given her. I want to be a Delta Dear, a Golden Girl, a Diamond Daughter, Notorious like Ruth Bader Ginsberg, and dap like Betty White. I want to be around for as long as the good Lord will allow, but in order to do that I have got to take better care of myself.

So, I will be returning to dance class next week, doing a lot more walking, eating more salads, drinking more water, and making sure that I'm not too busy looking at my phone to notice if I'm about to get hit by a car. I will see more movies and enjoy more live performances (even if it has to be a Disney movie or Daniel Tiger Live). I will travel the world. Last night the Hub bought season tickets for the Nationals, which is huge because he is a pin-stripped Yankees fan, but you get my point.

Even on the cusp of uncertainty, we have to keep living. That is my ultimate declaration/resolution for 2017, so let's do this!

Call of the Wild

I don't need to tell anyone who has a toddler that this has been quite a year. I've probably already told you several times that I am in way over my head. To borrow a phrase from my Spelman sister DYN, parenting ain't for pussies! So if the Babe makes it unhurt to midnight tonight, I ought to do a cartwheel. In fact I need to do an Olympic caliber floor exercise.

Yesterday could be categorized as an epic Mommy fail because I had good intentions that went awry as soon as I took my eyes off the kid for a few minutes. I was on the phone in the bathroom, she opened the door, and then she walked off with her toothbrush and toothpaste. I am unsure how much time elapsed, but when I last saw her she was watching TV.

I wrote this recap on the FB page, so feel free to enjoy the short version.

Now here is the long version, augmented by several of the details I omitted. So I mentioned that I was in the bathroom and the she had taken her toothbrush and her toothpaste with her into my bedroom, found a quiet spot on the floor in front the TV, and was busy watching whatever was on PBS Kids for a few minutes while I was on the phone. Right there, several veteran parents should be shaking their heads.

For the rookies, you need to know that my first mistake occurred long before I left the Babe to her own devices. My first mistake was to get the Babe dressed and ready before I got myself dressed and ready. You see, my plan for the day included a few errands on this side of town before we were to be at my parents' house by 2pm. I had my itinerary mapped out, I was showered, so I just needed to get dressed and to pack the car.

I was dilly dallying on the phone and it was about 11:30 when I realized that she was too quiet and discovered her covered in toothpaste. We didn't leave this house until 1:30. My FB status update came just before 2pm while I was waiting in line for gas at the Costco. I had just texted my Dad to let him know that I was on my way to the house per our understanding that I would relieve my mother's caregiver because my brother was out of town. I also texted the caregiver to let her know that I was running a little late. In response, she asks me to get a few things.

Mind you, I am sitting in the car with a finally napping toddler, watching the parking lot at the Costco fill with folks anxious to stock up for the holiday weekend. 

The Great Undone List

I love Christmas. I hate Christmas. Thank goodness it is over!

This year, I was excited because this would be the Babe's First Christmas. And I was until I realized that there would be several major things left undone such as the tree that never went up, the cards that were not sent, the newsletter still unwritten, the Santa Claus picture that we never got to take, and the house still a general disaster...

I could keep on going, but I had a revelation while driving to NYC of all the stuff I did just that day (Christmas Eve): wrapped presents, finished some last minute shopping, cooked two pounds of collard greens, mixed a batch of coquito, packed all of the Babe's stuff for the trip, showered and dressed for the family dinner, packed the car, and drove for 4 1/2 hours to NYC (including a 45 minute food stop and another 10 minute pit stop to change the Babe's poopie diaper).

I did not, however, put on any makeup. Nor was the Babe wearing the complete cute Christmas Eve outfit because of the unseasonably warm weather. And we really did not come bearing that many gifts. And I forgot to defrost the duck in the refrigerator for our return. So even when I manage to accomplish so much, I find a way to be disappointed when things are not absolutely perfect.

Thus, one of my resolutions is to give myself a damn break. I will eventually write and mail those thank you notes and I will order the baby announcements before her first birthday. And instead of a family Christmas picture taken in front of our perfectly coiffed tree in an immaculate house with matching cutesy pajamas with our names monogrammed on them...we will make do with whatever picture I have on hand so that the cards can get in the mail before Valentine's Day.

Along with being too self-critical, I need to work on my hyper-sensitivity to veiled criticisms and side digs. Why I give a figgy pudding is beyond me, especially since no one offers to help me prepare for the holiday and only this year did anything begin to matter to a certain person (as if the kid will remember). From now on, I will not lament any forgotten or abandoned Christmas traditions since I can create new ones, such as over-buying gift bags and tape on clearance at the Target.

There is a meme making the rounds on Facebook that urges folks to clap for themselves, and I have decided that not only will I applaud but I might take out a newspaper ad or rent a plane to fly a banner announcing when I've done an outstanding job...or I might just write about it here. The point is that I need give myself credit for being a boss, even when I fall short because when I hit, I am HOT. I am that chick--the Closer, Olivia Pope, Wonder Woman, Claire Huxtable, Queen B, Big Mama or whatever you call the woman who gets it done when it is on the line.

New day, new year, new me. Thank goodness the holidays are over.

Last Day of August

Folks, 2011 has been one grand never-ending challenge and the Busy Black Woman is tired.  Really tired.  So I've decided that it is time for a new start!

I have never actually done anything like this before, and if I make it to the other side, we'll see if it is something I would recommend, but I am about to embark on a major life overhaul.  I am really about to do the unthinkable, unimaginable, and frankly the scariest thing I possibly could do...

I am going to focus on ME for an entire month.  I will not drink anything alcoholic for the month of September.  I am going to put myself on a dedicated exercise schedule, including walking, weekly yoga and ballet classes, and maybe even riding my bike again.  I am going to take control of the clutter in my house and set weekly goals for cleaning and organizing.  I am going to set a bedtime.  I am going to prepare for the day ahead the night before (or maybe a few nights before if needed).  I am going to go through all of my unread and unanswered email.  I will read a book or two.  I am going to church every Sunday in September.  I am going to cook.

In other words, the Busy Black Woman is going to do what she often scoffs at others for doing--I am making New Year Resolutions...in September.

There are a lot of reasons why I need to focus on self-improvement and again, since I almost never make resolutions, this will be a challenge.  Like most people, the road to this particular personal hell has been paved with good intentions, years in the making.  Everyday I strive to be a good wife/daughter/sister/aunt/friend/lawyer/BBW but that all gets to be overwhelming especially when I look back over that list, and no where does it suggest that I want to be a good me.   So starting September 1, I am going to do everything in my power to insert 'me' into my list of good intentions.

Why put off tomorrow what I could very well start today?  Well, technically I am starting today by making this declaration publicly on my blog so that people know I am serious and want to be held accountable for falling short.  Also, it helps that I have a few de-cluttering and organizing tasks planned to keep me occupied for the rest of the day.  But in all honesty, because I do have one last day in this month, I also want to enjoy one last guilt-free drink at a party this evening. 

I do need to make clear that I am not abandoning my BBW ways since that is the essence of who I am.  But I am going to take a hard look at how those activities impact me, and whether the BBW persona limits the growth of me, the person.  That means that I might actually say NO to the things that conflict with my new agenda.  I will ask for help.  I will not continue to carry the world on my shoulders and then get frustrated when no one offers to help.  Some of ya'll might not like what I have to say (I'll be blogging about my progress throughout the month)...and I am totally ok with that. 

Well, if the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, then here goes:

New Year Revelations

The BBW does not make New Year's Resolutions because a life reset is not something that can only happen at the beginning of a calendar year.  A life reset can happen at any time, so why resolve to change on January 1st as opposed to any other significant day in your life, such as a birthday, anniversary, or the last time you drank too much?

In all seriousness, there is value in examining the year as it ends and then looking towards the year ahead to see what you can do differently.  But I call these revelations, not resolutions:

Revelation #1 - I cannot change the people around me, but I can change how I react to their foolishness.  God put me here for a reason, and all I need to do is to figure out how best to thrive.  As somebody once said, bloom where you are planted.  Whether that is at the side of an abandoned road or in the middle of a meadow, bloom. 

Revelation #2 - I can always try to be a better friend.  I am not that busy (I know, right?)...I can call every now and then.  Skip a meeting or two.  Listen.  Empathize.  Initiate plans and actually get to the appointed place ON TIME. 

Revelation #3 - If I believe in myself, I have the power to make things happen.  A friend was in a stage version of "The Wiz" recently, and as you know, TBS airs "The Wizard of Oz" a lot this time of year, so I have had a little time to reflect on the meaning of Dorothy's dilemma.  She got caught up in circumstances beyond her control which then deposited her in an unfamiliar place.  She did not want to stay where she was, so she was advised to seek the help of someone who supposedly had the power to fix her situation.  Along the way, she met a few folks who had issues of their own but after meeting her, they decided to join her in order to make changes in their circumstances as well.  Upon reaching the appointed place and after getting an audience with the One who might change their circumstances, he sent them to deal with an even greater challenge.  Dorothy and her friends faced and conquered that great challenge.  They returned to the One, only to discover that he was just a man with issues hiding behind a grand illusion.  Ultimately, Dorothy discovered that she had the power to change her circumstances.  Thus, I have the power to change my circumstances, I just need to believe...and a pair of ruby slippers.

Revelation #4 - I waste too much time feeling under appreciated, thinking that folks do not recognized my talent and intelligence.  Well, how can they if I keep them hidden?  And if I am honest, people do recognize these attributes in me, which is part of the reason why I am so busy.  I have done a poor job of making these attributes work for me, often at my own expense.  So the next time I feel overworked and underpaid, I need to ask myself if it was my choice to be in that position, or if I allowed someone to hoodwink me.  I work for me; no more freebies!

Revelation #5 - Things will not always go as planned, and I should just take it all in stride.  The person who is putting that barrier in my way might be diverting me to another path that might reveal even better possibilities.  I cannot count the number of times that I have had to reboot and redirect my energies because of someone else's nonsense, but in the end, I gained new skills and insights.  I lost a job this year over some stupidity, but I am not going to trip...I can use what I learned from them to bless my next project.  They simply cleared my schedule to make room for the next adventure in my life.

Revelation #6 - Let it go.  This, I am pretty good about, because I am not a person to hold grudges (but I can always strive to do better).  I am forgiving, and in hindsight, that has kept my burden lighter than most folks I know.  Too many people carry crap around for years that long ago ceased to be worth the effort.  People make mistakes, and sometimes people intentionally do bad things.  Let it go anyway and heal yourself.

To my fellow BBW sisters out there, do what you have to do in order to make it from day to day.  If 2010 sucked, look back, examine why, and make the effort to avoid those same pitfalls in 2011.  If you must draft a list of resolutions, at least make sure that they are inspired by the mistakes and disappointments of the previous year. 

Bloom and believe.