They Sleep Fine...

On a mattress, in their McMansions, on the leafy side of town where you need an access code to enter their gated communities. And they are lulled to that aforementioned restful slumber by the dulcet voice of Lionel Richie.

They sleep fine. 

I don't know who needs to be convinced of this now that we are two months and counting into the re-booted American Apprentice reality nightmare starring Donald Trump, hosted by Elon Musk. Or maybe only one of them sleeps just fine (we'll see how those weekly doses of ketamine for "depression" work out for Musk sooner or later).

Nevertheless, I think their decisions to unleash daily calamities and chaos are the stuff their dreams are made of: how many lives can I ruin today, just because I can (click here for evil laugh)? Let's fire half the people who work for the federal government, even those who own Teslas! Let's take over the Kennedy Center and revamp the programming to feature a series of dramatic readings performed by Slyvester Stallone and Scott Baio! Let's start World War III by invading Canada, Panama, and Greenland! Because any and everything is on the table, no matter how absurd, obscene, or unprecedented.

They sleep like newborn babies.

And just like cranky newborns who can't communicate what they need except through crying, if we the peasants get any ideas about trying to catch a few winks, there will be some outrageous tantrum or a ketchup-stained wall some minion has to clean.

About a month or so ago, I saw a video on Al Gore's internet featuring an interview with one of America's favorite drunk Aunties Kathie Lee Gifford explaining why her 'good friend' Donald doesn't need any of this; however, because he cares enough to put himself through this in order to fulfill his promises, we should trust his benevolence in choosing to systematically dismantle the lives of millions of people...

As soon as the thought bubble that contained et tu, Kathie Lee dissipated, there was Lionel Richie singing in my head. I looked up and just as we believe our smart phones are probing our thoughts, it was one of those Mattress Firm commercials. I had to laugh at the irony and the timing. Initially, I was just going to call her out in a Facebook post, but there's so much to unpack, so much smug, sanctimonious entitlement that she deserves more than just a quick passing rant. 

However, when I went back to replay the video after weeks of leaving the tab open, it had been disabled. Was that some kind of sign that the moment had passed or was it just a matter of reloading a different page to see that, yes, Gifford is still among the millions who believe their own lies because that's how she sleeps at night. Content with the knowledge that so long as she is safe from persecution, she don't care about the havoc being wrought on the rest of us.

To be honest, there isn't much else to say. It isn't a difficult or highly nuanced concept to grasp that these people watch the news every day and only pay attention to how the stock market performs to ensure that their wealth is secure. They see the video that Homeland Security Secretary Kristi "I shot that dog" Noem filmed in front of El Salvadorian prison bars flanked by half naked men, but they hone in on her expensive jewelry and perfectly coifed hair. Taking notice of the dehumanizing way those people are stacked and packed like cans on a shelf is a bit too compassionate. While some on the MAGA fringes might be expressing some remorse or regret, the vast majority have been happily enjoying the slaughter because they DON'T CARE.

Therefore, to my FB friends who keep posting daily rhetorical queries to their remaining Trumplogyte acquaintances, stop waiting for a response. The only people who are reading and reacting to your posts are the same 25-40 people the FB algorithm allows to interact and engage with your posts. The majority of those other folks never get to see what see what you have taken time to eloquently write, not even at random. The Trumpists are too busy liking and re-posting their own anti-democracy content. So to answer your question, yes, this is what they wanted.

Do I know this for sure or is this an educated guess? Well, call it my Busy Black Woman's intuition based on the fact that I never deactivated my X-bird app accounts. While not as active on that site as I used to be, I still peek in on those accounts to see what the tweets are saying, and as we predicted, it is inundated by bots, pro-Trump ads, and assorted propaganda. Since every account that pays for a blue check is verified, their thoughts and musings are what gets amplified. The same is true for the content on Meta, where the algorithm boosts the pro-Trump and pro-Musk posts. Dare I say it, not only do they ooze with glee at each new executive order, but they are downright orgasmic in their anticipation of more to come.

I suspect then, that like Parker Posey's character on this season of The White Lotus, after several rapturous hours spent in paradise, they'll pop a special little pill, and sleep just fine.

I propose that instead of waiting for their humanity to reset, that in lieu of praying for changed hearts and minds, we accept what is and plan our next moves. And please don't start by suggesting that we find common ground.

There isn't any.

If you have seen any of the aforementioned Mattress Firm commercials, you will note that right before they pump the Lionel Richie, the previous scene features someone engaged in some disgusting, vile, or unconscionable behavior. Imma need everyone to linger on that part whenever someone suggests that we can find "common ground" with the Trumpers. Really? Take a moment and consider whether you can join in when you see someone heckling a child during an elementary school basketball game. Or if you are eager to eat some of that guacamole after everyone sticks their grubby unwashed hands in it. Go on and try to remain unbothered in the seat in front of this dude because the stench from his feet will override your fear of the plane being flown by a DEI pilot. Better yet, let's all follow the lead of the impatient driver who is late for her dog's grooming appointment, because surely there is no good reason to have an emergency lane or an unoccupied shoulder during rush hour when she has places to be and things to do.

If you can find common ground that you would be willing to share with those people, more power to you. There isn't an inch in that gutter that I find appealing.

The irony of how they appropriated the term woke and made it a pejorative is that they actually celebrate being the opposite--unenlightened, intolerant, but proud and patriotic assholes who prefer to sleepwalk through life, unconscious, unaware, and unconcerned about anyone or anything but themselves.

A few hours before I went back to revisit that video of Kathie Lee, I heard a segment on NPR about the lack of empathy that seems to be more pervasive in our society. We have clearly entered an era of not giving a good damn about hardship or suffering. As long as chaos and calamity are contained way over there, why should that keep me awake at night? Why should I lose any sleep over matters that don't directly impact me?

I'm too old to contract measles, (besides, I got my vaccinations years ago). For the time being, my husband's good government job is not in the line of fire. I don't live in California, Oregon, Hawaii, or anywhere else where wildfires have burned entire communities to the ground. I'm not a student on a visa who wrote an editorial in the student newspaper in support of Palestine. I'm not a purported gang member with a questionable tattoo. I'm on the other side of childbearing, so abortion restrictions don't endanger my health. I could keep listing examples that distance my life from the realities that impact others, yet in spite of my relative comfort and safety, I can visualize the faces of those who are not exempt.

One unvaccinated child might not be my problem or my business, but a community of unvaccinated children quickly becomes catastrophic for an over-stressed public health system. Knowing a handful of people who lost their jobs is unfortunate, until those job losses reverberate to impact others whose livelihoods depend on folks patronizing their businesses. We live in a society, not in individual pods. Eventually, all of this harm being unleashed will accumulate, and the effects won't be as easy to ignore. 

So forgive me, Kathie Lee, for not giving one-tenth of a hoot that your good friend Donald intends to keep his promises, because all that communicates to me is that you are just as horrible and shitty a person as he is. The fact that you are more concerned about him keeping his word to inflict maximum pain and pursue retribution against those who didn't support him (as opposed to appealing to him not to engage in this vendetta) is just proof of your true character. I wish I could unleash the right combination of expletives to articulate what I think of you and your façade of faith and dubious morality...but FUCK YOU Kathie Lee sums it up succinctly.

If you're wondering why it took all of this just to flip Kathie Lee the bird, please understand that I know she won't ever read any of this. Nor will anyone in her orbit. As far as I am concerned, they are a lost cause, so I'm not writing in hopes there will be some massive national change of heart that reshapes how she and a third of this country view the world. Beloved, I am writing to appeal to YOU, my tribe, to warn you of the depravity of the dark side. It is tempting to see how they live, how they sleep and want some of what they have to ease our suffering and pain.

Be ye not deceived by false prophets and promises, perverted faith, and the allure of community with those who celebrate the triumph of evil. Too many people have already been fooled. How many years did Kathie Lee sell viewers various delusions of perfection--whether as a carefree passenger on a cruise ship or as a happy traditional wife and mother on a talk show? This isn't about judging her faith or her life, but how people like her love to flaunt their privilege as evidence of their virtue and as vindication for their political beliefs. She claims that Trump is a changed man since getting nicked shot last summer, that he doesn't need any of this...and by this, it's hard to parse whether she meant he doesn't need to be this cruel and maniacal or if he doesn't need history to remember him as the man who destroyed America.

Either way, I'm sure that as long as the fires rage far, far away from her, she and the others in the cult will sleep just fine.

In their leafy green subdivisions across town, in their McMansions at the far end of the cul-de-sac, under heavy surveillance, armed guards, and with a loaded gun on the nightstand. I hope their apathy and indifference causes them such agitation and distress that the only way they can get to sleep is by taking whatever special pills with a chaser of whatever expensive liquor they keep locked away in their expensive liquor cabinets. I hope that even if sleep comes easy, rest doesn't.

Sleep fine...but with one eye open.

Judging Amy

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett. It got an unusual amount of attention as I have come to believe that the FB algorithms are being manipulated to promote engagement among MAGA-leaning folks who generally wouldn't see my content. I said something nice about her, and talk about fireworks! I got two angry emoji reactions from folks who don't follow me. YAY! 

The premise of my post was that Barrett had gone from being the Belle of the Right-Wing Cotillion to becoming the target of right-wing ire for not carrying water for the Trump Regime. Then I predicted that these folks were going to abandon all pretense of preserving diversity on the Court when the next vacancy occurs. (So if there are any Black MAGA who were hoping to get that "black" job Clearance Thomas has been holding onto for 30+ years, keep dreaming. Yes, I know I spelled his name incorrectly.) That seat will be reclaimed and filled by another good ole boy who got his law degree from Trump University. My bitcoins are on the Interim US Attorney for DC because, what a tool...

In case it hasn't become clear by now, women in the Trumposphere are expected to serve very specific functions. Melania Antoinette is still the mermaid-Medusa on the mast of the Titanic. The Chief of Staff is one of those post-menopausal mean mother figures. The Press Secretary is probably some runner-up pageant contestant who is auditioning for her next gig on FOX or Newsmax. Attorney General Pam Bondi is destined to be the Ann Boleyn of this Administration, first to get her head chopped if the court losses continue to pile up. Laura Loomer, conspicuously sidelined from the campaign once we all figured out that she was a wannabe mistress, has been reduced to harping against Elon Musk, her nemesis, on his platform. Expect her to provide a Stormi Daniels-y plot twist of some kind to keep the ratings afloat. Linda McMahon is giving us Lovey Howell vibes--another rich socialite with no friends so she commits herself to charitable destruction.

Kristi "I shot that dog" Noem is starring in a series of commercials that showcase her habitual cruelty in mistreating God's creatures to the taxpayer tune of $200 million (at least $50 million is covering the cost of her botox injections, hair weave, and makeup). The ambassadorship that is allowing Kimberly Guilfoyle to detox on the other side of the world is an interesting consolation prize for having kept Don Jr. from breaking things in the Oval. It is also proof that it was always a projection to accuse VP Harris of getting ahead through sleeping around with powerful men. I won't bother making dishonorable mention of any of the others unless they do or say something worth noting. 

My guess is that if MAGA is truly pissed at Amy Coney Barrett, it is because they underestimated her. They expected a mannequin, a female dress-form to drape in a black robe, to pose and put on display as needed. Barrett was conveniently in the right place at the right time when Fate intervened and sent Death to finally pry the dissent pen from Ruth Bader Ginsburg's cold left hand. This vacancy was the answer to their prayers for ideological dominance--a sixth vote. So they lied and bent the "rules", rushed her confirmation through the Senate, and then promptly appealed every precedent they wanted overturned to their newly fortified Supreme Court. Since they had jerry-rigged the process on the front end to install Neil Gorsuch as the intellectual heavyweight and North Star, the debutante Justice need only follow his lead and sign her name to his opinions. 

That's what they expected, and at first, she dutifully played along. She kept her head down, helped to dismantle a few major precedents, and waited a respectable amount of time before seeking to build her own legacy. See, it's been almost five years since her trip to the Emerald City, and like everybody else, she left there disillusioned upon discovering that the Wizard is just a useless, failed con man standing behind a frayed curtain. She never needed anything from him--she was born with a spine and a brain, and that lifetime appointment came from Mitch McConnell's bag of tricks. All Trump did was pick her name out of a hat and give her a big coming out party where everybody got COVID. 

Although I am no fan of Justice Barrett's, the Court is a co-equal branch of our government. I don't have to agree with her ideologically to understand why she's in the line of fire. MAGA thought they were getting another pretty blond stereotypical Barbie fresh out of the box; who woulda thought she would go all Sandra Day O'Connor on their asses? 

One of the angry troll visitors to my page expressed exasperation that Justice Barrett could vote for wasting taxpayer dollars on foreign-born transgender mice...an intriguing head-scratching claim until I understood the context. I offered her a quick refresher on reading comprehension and the three branches of government. She didn't return to thank me, which was rude, but also on brand for folks who have time to shit post on social media, yet can't figure out how to use Google. Another angry troll complained that Barrett must have been threatened and unduly influenced, so my reaction--by what, her own conscience? She's still a Karen like the rest of you, only she's not content to play a supporting role in the Shakespearean tragedy of America's downfall. Amy has always been a leading lady, so she's seizing her moment and commanding the stage. 

Let's break down the absurdity of the suggestion (once again) that a woman born with a fully functioning brain that she used to earn a law degree is somehow unable to think for herself. Y'all tried that with Ketanji Brown Jackson, and I wasn't having it then, so I won't allow it now even as I'm clear how Amy Coney Barrett voted on Election Day. She's brilliant though not always, but nobody is perfect. Not even an Amy. 

Yeah, we all saw that face she made at the Joint Session, but that doesn't reveal anything other than Trump probably has bad breath. The fact that she showed up and sat there for two hours on a school night should tell you that she hasn't suddenly switched sides. So going all Red Queen on her over one or a handful of decisions is pointless unless she does something more substantial and defiant to indicate that this wasn't just another example of a broken clock being right twice a day.

In other words, she may lunch with the other ladies of the Court periodically, but she's not joining their coffee club nor is she inviting herself to catch up over drinks with them after a grueling day. Don't get it twisted--they may work in the same building, but they aren't girlfriends. Doña Sonia and Soror Ketanji may personally like Amy, but they ain't about to taste any of her Cajun potato salad with raisins. They just started to let Elena Kagan bring the bagels...

If Barrett is receiving threats, it ain't from the sister Supremes. They're too busy writing children's books and personal memoirs; issuing dire warnings about the end of our democracy; receiving alumni honors; or moonlighting on Broadway to worry about what Amy is doing. I could be wrong, and I will retract if proven otherwise, but again, she's not their friend. The very notion of the law school class valedictorian being hazed by a wise Latina, an awkward Black girl, and a Jewish yenta--a trio of nerdy feminists--is beyond laughable. 

We're all decades removed from law school, but trust me, those dynamics persist and follow us throughout our lives. Lawyers are not normal people--we're all weird, quirky, brilliant, self-deprecating, arrogant, and exactly who we've always been since high school. Every person pictured here represents the different "types" of people one encounters in law school (starting from the bottom row on the left): the older student who always wanted to be a lawyer; the self-loathing Black guy; the president of the College Republicans; the boot-strapping conservative son of immigrants; the Betty Friedan/Bella Azbug feminist; (top row from the right) the quasi-militant busy Black woman; the guy who thinks he is the life of the party; the most imperious man in the room; and Amy, the fairest one of all.

A couple of years ago, I wrote a letter to my daughter that contrasted how the world regards us as opposed to Amys, and after rereading it, I was amazed at how visceral and raw my anger was. I recall my righteous indignation at the various microaggressions and outright racist taunts directed at Ketanji Brown Jackson, and by extension, every Black woman I knew. It stirred up so much of the resentment I thought I had let go of; instead, I had buried it in a vacuum-sealed time capsule. As triggering as looking back on all of that was, unearthing my resentment and bitterness was also quite liberating. 

You see, having been a quasi-militant Busy Black Woman for all of these years, I know that no matter how well groomed, prepared, and appropriately packaged I arrive, I won't be judged on any of that. I will be judged on how much I remind them of Amy, or maybe on how long they can tolerate and settle for me in lieu of an Amy. Even when we're not in competition against each other, somebody has got to be Jan Brady feeling some kind of way about Marsha (or is it Marcia? Marsha? Marcia.) Of course, the fact that I want to be seen in my own light, on my own merits doesn't matter. My presence there is meant to compliment Amy since I'm not supposed to outshine the galaxy's brightest star. 

Just so that we're clear: I'm not coming for Justice Barrett. She's definitely one of yours, so if you're feeling any remorse or regret that your cult leader didn't take the time to vet her properly, then tough noogies. Y'all are out here railing against DEI (an acronym most of you cannot explain) and admitting that you didn't expect her to be capable of putting in the work required. You thought she'd be too inundated with homework and laundry to draft her own opinions. Now you know that she's not the pretty smart girl whom you voted most likely to end up with a job as a FOX News spokesmodel; she's the pretty and smart girl who got all of the awards at the high school honors assembly. Ione Sky's character in Say Anything. 

At the same time that I assure you that I am not piling on, I must admit to taking some perverse glee at seeing the high school burn book levels of betrayal MAGA world has unleashed on one of their own. It's brutal and ugly. Because their sexism and misogyny reduces women to utility as opposed to appreciating us as fully formed and complex human beings. When I look at our life stories and realize how much Amy Coney Barrett and I have in common, I can find some empathy for her current predicament. Quasi-militant busy Black women can be just as polarizing as an Amy. Too smart for our own good.

However, if you know anything about the pecking order of classmates we don't hang with because of high school or college (and definitely not after law school), there is a reason why Amy is at the top of that list. We've been burned by women who seem nice and friendly at first, only to the extent that their kindness is convenient and comfortable for them. Lest we forget those women who were demanding that the world re-open in the midst of COVID so that they could get their spa treatments (while they continued to work from home). Sure, we can relate to an Amy's perpetual Type-A struggle for perfection, but unlike her, we can't just hire more help. There aren't enough of us to outsource the work of dismantling the systems of oppression. Our reasons for seeking access to those exclusive spaces don't include serving or preserving the patriarchy; therefore, we know better than to trust Miss Amy to be any kind of ally.

We have never forgotten how Missy Anne Reynolds treated Kizzy in Roots...

Finally, it isn't as if Amy Coney Barrett is personally hurt, offended, or intimidated by any of this backlash. She knows exactly what it takes to survive as a woman in conservative legal circles. Amy set her sights on the Supreme Court back when President Ronald Reagan nominated Sandra Day O'Connor. Every move she's made since we were in elementary school has been intentional and executed with the sole purpose of earning that seat. So trust, her problem isn't that she doesn't fit the bill ideologically as a conservative, because res ipsa loquitur. Her problem is that these MAGA folks forget that Amy has been teased and taunted by their kind all of her life, which only motivates her to work harder and smarter.

She spent those high school weekends at home hitting the books instead of hanging out at their sporting events and getting drunk at their parties. She was never a cheerleader, on the pep squad, nor even an extra in the school play. Her extra-curriculars were debate team and the school newspaper--she's the Amy who wrote those editorials on obscure political topics that no one read except the faculty moderators. Since she didn't rush the popular sorority in college, she found her tribe among the College Republicans, most times as the only woman at the mixers not looking to land a rich husband (but she's an Amy, so she married one anyway). She excelled in law school, clerked for Antonin Scalia, adopted Haitian refugee children, sorts her garbage, shops at Talbots, never misses Mass, and is otherwise practically perfect in every way.  

Y'all got the exact Justice you thought you wanted, except Amy Coney Barrett ain't no Mary Poppins. The political winds may shift, but thanks to lifetime tenure and a strict exercise regimen, she's not going anywhere anytime soon. She didn't work this hard for all of these years to get to the Court just to watch Donald Trump destroy this country like a Golden Bull run amok in a china shop...thus, to the extent that she has any power to stop him, she will. She's the mother of seven, not the governess, so it is not in her job description to clean up after unruly children. That's for Congress and the voters to sort out. You should have read the fine print, caveat emptor. Case dismissed.

Daddy's Home

The DNC definitely feels like a lifetime ago in dog years, and this is one of those times when I wish I hadn't let myself get so caught up in my head. This piece was supposed to have been a homage to all of that Good Dad energy we saw back in August and as a September birthday tribute to my Dad. Welp...

Yesterday I saw a snippet of a Sunday news roundtable and one of the participants, Rep. Byron 'not Brian' Donalds exclaimed "Daddy's home" as part of his comments on the return of Trump. In addition to losing my appetite, his statement prompted me to revisit and post this piece. I will post the bulk of what I initially wrote with minimal edits, then provide my updated commentary after the jump. --ADH

I watched Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff's address to the Democratic National Convention and came away with all of the warm and fuzzies. I like him, a lot. I have had something of a soft spot for him ever since I saw a clip of a campaign event back in 2019 where someone tried to rush the stage at then-Sen.  Kamala Harris. And with the speed of Clark Kent changing into Superman, Emhoff was up on that stage and standing in between his wife and her would-be assailant in the kind of 'oh snap' moment that could only endear him to women everywhere as that dude.

A few weeks ago, right before Madam VP Harris announced her choice of running mate, I happened to see an interview with a burly white-haired guy who referred to the former DESPOTUS and his newly appointed running mate, James David Vance as weird. And I liked him, a lot. Because there was something about the way he tagged these men as uncool, in spite of their delusions, that definitely made sense. Later when the Hub and I discussed potential running mates, our mutual favorite was that same burly guy from Minnesota, so I was absolutely ecstatic he was her choice.

The week prior to the Convention, I received an email that invited me to attend a town hall with President Biden (and Madam VP), and I jumped at the chance. I tried to convince my Dad to attend with me because I thought, how many times does he get to go to political events? He initially agreed to tag along, then declined in order to attend Mass...and until the moment when I realized I would be close enough to take a picture of the President, Vice President, and the Governor of Maryland in a crowd where there were only four to six people between us, I figured Dad had made the right call. My insistence on staying at this event was pure obstinance; I imagine my Dad, who is a tolerant man, still would not have wagered on that kind of patience paying off. But I like Biden, a lot. And this was my way of counteracting the FOMO I felt by not being able to go to Chicago for the convention.

I waited up late to hear former President Barack Obama even though we've all heard him speak a thousand times (but we still miss him). I was in the car and happened upon former President Bill Clinton's speech, fully remembering that he has a tendency to just talk and talk (and talk). I still need to go back to listed to the entirety of President Biden's convention speech because that started and went on way past my bedtime. I really appreciate that Governor Tim Walz, the burly football Coach chosen to be her running mate, understood the assignment to give us the perfect win-one-for-the-Gipper keynote/pep talk in 15 minutes or less.

I don't know about you, but I liked LOVED all of the positive Dad energy that was being spread by these Democratic men. It's all very soothing, in a retro yet very modern kind of way. On the one hand, it seems contradictory to feel so reassured by their presence in a year when we are looking to elect a woman to be the Leader of the Free World; yet on the other hand, also radical to feel so elated that they are happily standing in-formation beside some formidable, badass women!

And they LOVE it too!

For half a second, I was ready to offer a similar complimentary nod to James David for his full-throated, you don't want none of this smoke response in defense of his wife, Usha. Almost...but, I can't because of every other toxic attack he has made against childless women or against the military service of the Coach in the past couple of weeks. The vibe I get from him is that of a guy who talks really big and tough, until forced into a corner. Thus, even in defense of his wife, if he had to actually stand up for her, I think he would make up some distraction to give him cover to cut and run. It's giving Ted Cruz blaming his wife for booking a vacation to Cancun during an ice storm. Or that clip of Josh Hawley running to hide under his desk that never gets old.

I am just learning about these new Greek-letter categories of men--alphas, betas, sigmas, etc., so I'm not quite clear on the distinctions but to be honest, I don't care. I know that the so-called alphas are on top of the food chain, but that's if your diet consists of Cheetos, protein bars, and energy drinks. Their patron saint is the former DESPOTUS, which is kinda yikes if we're supposed to look at him as some exemplar of virile masculinity and strength...

But that's not where I'm going with this. Because they're the ones who poke fun of those other men who are different, sensitive, married to women they actually like. They are the guys who enforce the high school caste system of jocks, nerds, goths, stoners, etc., and can't readjust to redefine themselves beyond adolescence. They are forever frozen in a world where Hulk Hogan is the still WWF Champion...

All of that positive Dad energy emanating from Emhoff, Walz, Obama, Clinton, and Biden contrasts with the retro projections of Father Knows Best the other side has been promoting for decades. For years they have attempted to paint the Democrats as the Mommy party of feelings and participation trophies while presenting themselves as the Daddy party of hunting and golfing. And for the life of me, I don't get why we're supposed to believe that a bunch of Dads dressed in company logo shirts and Dockers have a better handle on things than a bunch of Dads driving minivans to carpool their kids to soccer games. Because hello, the Moms were the ones holding it ALL down anyway. Who made sure Dad didn't forget the snacks and water? Who did his laundry because the last time he forgot to sort everything came out pink? 

(Before anybody hits back with a whatabout single Dads, don't worry, I am not forgetting about nor short-changing them.)

Consider the ways the Alphabots have attempted to define the manhood of their opponents in feminine terms: Tampon Tim (too attentive) and Sleepy Old Joe (too old and feeble), for example. Their attempts to make Obama look like a menacing urban thug never took hold, (and they didn't see the endless potential in calling him Urkel) so they attack his wife to imply that he's gay. And because the only thing worse than being happily married to a Black woman is being a gay man, they poke fun of Pete Buttigieg for taking paternity leave after the birth of his twins. 

Take a second to really think about that: they ridiculed a man for being the kind of Dad who wants to do more than just empty the diaper genie when he gets home from work. Imagine being so rigid in your idea of gender roles as to be intimidated by the sight of a baby's poop.

Their disdain for what they perceive as weakness in men is really a hard-wired hatred for women they cannot control. We've been telling you that for decades, but some of you remain unconvinced that the man who goes on the attack against every woman who stands up to him is a thin-skinned unrepentant misogynist. His current running mate, James David the Toady...let's just say that I have my theories, or that he's been doing all of this non-stop campaigning so that he doesn't have to keep sleeping on the couch in his Senate office.

Those man-babies saw all of that joy and fun at the DNC and responded with full tilt mantrums. They can't fathom a world where a man would take to the stage and speak glowingly about a woman he admires for qualities other than her looks. They can't believe that half this country looks upon Madam VP as a beacon of hope and light, and that her supporters aren't just a bunch of childless cat ladies, but also a bunch of happy warrior Dads in flannel shirts who aren't afraid of strong, independent women.

These people hate that our Dads love us for exactly who we are. Our Dads love our tattoos, un-plucked eyebrows, and general weirdness because we're their daughters. Our Dads don't try to shame our brothers when they get overcome with emotion because they have taught them that it's okay for real men to cry if they have to. Our Dads aren't ashamed to say that they love us and that they are proud of who we are. 

Mind you, all of this gushing over the Democratic Dads doesn't assume that these qualities are ideological. Because Real Dads come in every political flavor. Good fathers are the kind of men who teach values to their children. They teach their sons how to look a person straight in the eye, give a firm handshake, and reassure their daughters that their ambitions can be infinite and unlimited. Good fathers sometimes have to work multiple jobs in order to keep the lights on and the food on the table, but they do it because they see it as their responsibility. Good fathers don't make manhood a thing they put on display for Christmas greeting cards, but in daily acts of setting positive examples in their homes. Real Dads respect and honor the women they have children with, even if they aren't married to them. They don't get on social media to complain about child support ruining their credit rating or wealth building because they recognize that the money spent on raising their children is an investment.

For all of the talk about how feminists hate men, I bet some of y'all are surprised to read all of this praise from me...but you shouldn't be. Instead of finding fault with a movement that seeks to give women the same rights of self-determination and choice, you should find fault with a hierarchal mindset that teaches men that gender equality is an existential threat. Freedom for women doesn't displace men, it liberates us all. 

As I gush on about these other men, I can't help but to look at the men in my family. My Hub is totally that guy when it comes to our daughter. He's going to be that Dad in the feminine hygiene aisle asking some random woman if she can help him figure out wings and absorbencies because I'm going to be off Busy Black Womaning somewhere and our Niece won't be answering her phone. I can totally see my Brother K as the carpool Dad, easily alternating between sports and dance recitals. Brother O is the girl Dad MVP around here, so you already know that man is battle-tested and ain't scared.

My Dad, well...he's the reason why I'm not the kind of feminist who hates men. He has been and continues to be the best example of all the traits I admire and applaud--compassionate, considerate, respectful, responsible, and unapologetic in his love for his family. Not that I didn't see all of this in him throughout my life, but especially since my Mom's transition, I see my Dad with more clarity. He's the same age as Trump, so they were raised in the same era and witnessed the evolution of women's rights. 

Hate On Me Hater

In just a few hours (depending on when you read this), Scar and his hyenas will take over the country again. As you might imagine, I am one of many people for whom this will be a most dreadful state of affairs. No need to elaborate on just how unpleasant since we will have four more years to watch it all unravel...

As a native and resident of DC, having grown up literally just a few miles away from where this hostile takeover will occur, I have witnessed the much hallowed "peaceful" transfer of power quite a few times, with both anticipation and dread. The first time was 44 years ago when President Ronald Reagan was inaugurated. I distinctly recall being excited because there was to be a parade that we could walk to from my Grandmother's Capitol Hill home. My parents and most of the other adults in my orbit were decidedly unenthusiastic, but in my childish naiveté, I was undeterred and cheered along with the rest of the adoring crowd.

Fast forward to 1997 when the Hub and I were dating and were given tickets to attend one of the second Clinton Inaugural Balls. The excitement I felt then was genuine and informed since not only had I voted for him, but I had flown in from New Orleans to take part in the festivities. It wouldn't be much of a stretch to guess how I felt at each subsequent Inauguration, including eight years ago. Suffice it to say, it was only out of a morbid sense of curiosity (and because I let my travel anxiety get the best of me), that we happened to still be at home to watch the preliminary formalities. Instead of packing the car or driving to New York, I just had to get one last glimpse of the Obamas as the historic outgoing First Family. Then I saw Michelle Obama's WTF-how-long-do-I-have-to-sit-here-and-not-vomit face...

So, it comes as NO surprise to anybody who knows better when former First Lady Michelle Obama announced that she wouldn't be attending Abomination 2.0. She really didn't need to tell us, but perhaps she felt that she owed us some advance warning since she passed on sitting next to Trump for the 90 minutes it took to formally eulogize President Jimmy Carter at the National Cathedral last week. She must have determined that it was better to get ahead of the news cycle, lest any outlets spend too much time speculating on her whereabouts. 

There should be nothing controversial about her decision, except that the people who make it their business to talk shit about Black women have made it their business to opine for several days on the appropriateness and etiquette of declining an invitation. Petty and classless, they have deemed it, because it breaks with "tradition" that an able-bodied former First Lady would decide that she would rather stay home in her pajamas binging Bridgerton on Netflix than to sit out in the snow on a dais to witness the inauguration of a man whose racist and xenophobic rhetoric endangered the lives of her family.  

I'm mad that y'all expected her to forgive all of that.

But let's not even dignify their imitation clutched pearls and offended pretense of decorum because more than half the population of this city has decided not to attend or tune in to watch the Trumpocalypse. Folks are fleeing this city like it's the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Anybody who doesn't have to be here for work or who didn't pay the million-dollar access fee will be rearranging their sock drawers or otherwise preoccupied. Second, Mrs. Obama attended the Inauguration when she passed the keys to the gilded walk-in cage closet to her successor. That was her last official act as First Lady, a role that is undefined. It's not even a job in the traditional sense, just a title. Much like the First Lady at most of our churches, the most important thing she does is not wear the same outfit twice in a month, so why are we even discussing what the former former FLOTUS does or doesn't do in the grand scheme of things? Isn't the focus supposed to be on the incoming DESPOTUS? Y'all should be more concerned if Melania or her decoy will be there...

Truth be told, we really need to channel all of our good vibes and positive energy towards Madame Vice President Kamala Harris, the only Black woman who has to be there in order to perform an actual constitutional duty. We need to pray for her poker face at that crucial moment when her historic role comes to an end, and she has to act like she's not pissed and ready to blow the roof off the joint. We all know that she would rather be sitting next to Michelle Obama in matching pajamas drowning her sorrows with a box of wine. I suspect that as soon as James David finishes his oath and doesn't immediately combust into flames, Madame VP and 2G Doug E. will quietly exit the scene stage left. (Where they go from there is anyone's guess, but let's hope that it won't be the last we'll see of them.)

Since we're on the subject of Kamala Harris and the optics of decorum, let me say it loud and clear for anyone who needs to hear this: I ain't mad at all that she hasn't offered to give the Vances a tour of the official residence before they move in. It's a big ass house, but they are smart people who went to Yale, so there is no need to point out where the bathrooms are located. I get that there was a tradition there as well, but naw, that man called her trash, and it wasn't just meaningless campaign rhetoric. She doesn't owe him or his wife anything more than the keys.

In the weeks since it became clear that we are doing this again (and stuck in a Groundhog Day nightmare), I have been paying attention and contemplating the state of things. I've been reading the tea leaves and slowly becoming more accepting of the things I cannot change. Malcolm X once said that the most disrespected, unprotected, and neglected person in America is the Black woman, and I have come to the conclusion that he was 100% correct in that assessment. 

I could pull out a CVS length receipt of names and situations as proof...I have done so in the past, but it won't matter. I could mention how folks are blaming Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass for wildfires she didn't start; how Rep. Jasmine Crockett gets criticized for keeping it too real even though she's 100% right; how some of you have been way too silent and accepting of how Atty. Fani Willis was effectively stripped of power; how some of you will downplay every example I cite just because. I bet most of you haven't listened to Chrisette Michelle in a couple of forevers--not since she performed at the first Trump Inauguration, but you won't rid your playlists of Snoop Dog, Nelly, or Rick Ross after this one.

Therefore, once I realized that I too am just another disrespected, unprotected, and neglected Busy Black Woman, it dawned on me that I need to stop worrying so much about what I say and how I am perceived. Damned if I do and damned if I don't, right? Y'all are going to find fault, pick me apart, and toss my bones out to be picked clean by Scar's hyenas, the vultures, and other scavengers. So it don't matter (yeah, I'm intentionally using AAVE), because what does it matter? I can be Mary freaking Poppins, practically perfect in every way, but if I fail to pronounce the -ing with the appropriate inflection or slip into a regional accent that reveals my hood adjacency, I'm just another Eliza Doolittle at the races. Another DEI Sheniqua that y'all would dismiss as unworthy of being allowed in civilized company without an apron and duster...

Ask me how I know. 

The irony for me is the expectation that Black women ought to be grateful that the insults hurled at us and the roadblocks intended to stop us today aren't as bad as what was said and done to the generations of women who preceded us. Once upon a time, when our great grandmothers and great aunties had to take on domestic work that kept them from raising their own children while caring for the children of others, they were mistreated, called lazy and incompetent, and were blamed for the destruction of the "traditional" Black family because they were the primary breadwinners. The difference in these modern times? Apparently not as much as we were led to believe. In spite of our higher rates of education and expanded access to opportunity, we were hoodwinked into believing that all we had to do was work twice as hard to become half as successful. We didn't factor in how deeply entrenched misogynoir always sets us up for failure in the end.

Take the very accomplished, poised, and fabulous former FLOTUS Michelle Obama as the prime example. If anyone embodies the narrative of the great American meritocracy, surely it would be the Black woman whose path took her from the Southside of Chicago to Princeton University and ultimately to the White House. Instead of finding inspiration by such an improbable trajectory, MAGA was appalled and offended. They called her everything but a child of God for the unforgiveable sin of being proud of her country for seemingly moving past its racism!

When she became First Lady, she rarely stumbled or misspoke. She never had a bad hair day nor committed any fashion faux pas. She took up the worthy crusade of encouraging children to become more active. She installed an environmentally conscious kitchen and butterfly garden on the White House grounds. She raised her daughters out of the glare of the public and they are now college-educated young women. Since leaving the White House, Mrs. Obama has written a couple of books, produced a few movies, lent her name to worthy causes, and generally stood by her man. 

But haters gonna hate no matter what. Because if performing for the Abomination is the highlight of Kid Rock's birthday weekend, then what makes Michelle Obama so special as to refuse to cancel her plans for brunch? 

I can't speak for all Black women, but I can aver on behalf of the 92% of us who swallowed the bitter pill of defeat on November 5 that we are simply following through on our promise that we are done! No more Mammying America. No more missionary work to convert people who don't want salvation. Y'all booked this trip on the Titanic II, so go on and enjoy every doomed minute of the voyage. Maybe there will be enough lifeboats and jackets this time...if not, thoughts and prayers.

You can't force us, bully us, shame us, nor blame us for anything that happens from now on. We didn't choose this, so we're not acquiescing to any demands that we smile and grin for the cameras. We're going to lean into the disappointment we feel, and more than anyone Michelle Obama deserves space to rest and recalibrate. She did her part. Weeks after losing her beloved mother, she channeled her grief into a pitch perfect motivational speech that included her recollection of the painful impact of Donald and Melania Trump's birther conspiracies on her family. Y'all weren't the least bit offended by what her daughters had to endure as children hearing and seeing those racist descriptions of their parents for years. Now there are lofty principles and ideals to uphold? Really???

If that were true, then the Black woman who dedicated her career to upholding and defending so-called American principles and ideals would be taking the Oath at noon on Monday. So miss me, Michelle Obama, and every other Black woman you know with ANY and ALL that bullshit! 

We not coming.

Didn't We Almost Have It All?

Not long ago, I saw this picture posted on social media of Madam Vice President Kamala Harris with her husband Doug Emhoff, captured in a light-hearted and loving pose. I don't know if this was a recent photo, but the caption was America fumbled so hard, an allusion to the reality that we could have elected someone decent to be our next President. Suddenly, as if there was a radio playing in the background, I began to hear the instrumental intro to Whitney Houston's song and got a little misty. A montage of scenes from the 107 days replayed in my head. I thought back to how upbeat and excited I was on Election Day and how I still believed we were going to win, despite the odds. 

Then like an old school record scratch...

I can't even wrap my mind around the Return of the DESPOTUS 2.0: Four More Years of Daily Fuckery. The White House now an unmistakable Big Top Circus Tent, soon to be occupied by P.T. Barnum reincarnated, who will launch a second season of the Worst Shitshow on Earth. 

When I knew I was finally ready to write about Kamala Harris' defeat, my intent was to compare her loss to the situation I describe here. Because I am clear that a major reason she lost was because she was so formidable--too much for people to feel comfortable with her, in spite of everything else that we knew about the Joker. But my thoughts got too bogged down and unfocused, so instead of wrestling with something unwieldy, thereby running the risk of succumbing to never making my point, I split the baby. 

We could have had it all, America. But y'all gave it away for $1 rebate per gallon of gas.

Twice now, we have elected the worst possible example of humanity to be the American President. He and every Alpha boy he chooses to serve in his harem, from James David the Manchurian understudy to Master Robert the Bear-Eater to the guy whose own mother used to be ashamed of him--these are the people whom America believed were the better choices. The world will tolerate a rapist, a racist, a grifter, a conman, an adulterer, a liar, a cheat, and even a fascist, but it just cannot abide a woman who is unafraid to be her unapologetic, fearless self. 

If you look back at various points throughout human history, women who refused to be minimized by what society deemed acceptable were denounced, rejected, ostracized, abused, called everything but a child of God, and sometimes killed. Centuries later and y'all still refer to Mary Magdeline a prostitute; yet, before his conversion and his name was still Saul how many Christians did he persecute and imprison as opposed to the number of men who allegedly paid her for sex? All manner of men are rewarded, revered, and redeemed in spite of a multitude of sins: feudal Lords, imperial plunderers and pirates, Founding Fathers, Confederate politicians, Gilded Age robber barons, Jim Crow philanderers, the tech bazillionaires, and now once again, Donald Effing Trump. As he infamously said, he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and get away with his crimes...and now 77 million voters have proven him right.

We could have had the country that we promote to the world as the beacon of light and hope. But in a democracy the voters get to make grave mistakes as well as inspired choices, so here we are, preparing for another dreary ride to the cemetery...

A month later, and I'm not much interested in the other post-election assessments of why we're here right now. Surely there were campaign mistakes and missteps (because she only had 107 days), but bottom line some voters were either ambivalent about the return of Trump or hellbent against seeing this Black woman just walk into the Oval Office without proving she deserved to be there. Never mind the fact that Kamala Harris had already earned that right when she was elected to be the Vice President in 2020, but apparently that wasn't enough. She should have gone through a bruising primary process at the 11th hour once the big money donors and political operatives lost faith in President Joe Biden. We should have repeated the very same mistake that was made in 1968 when President Lyndon Johnson decided not to seek the nomination.

Well, now we have a 1968 remix. Only this time, we have re-elected a person 10 times worse than Richard Nixon--a verifiable crook, all because some of you were determined to chasten women who have the temerity to declare that we can be anything, including Leaders of the Free World. 

If you still want to argue that sexism and racism don't make one helluva team, just wait until Calamuary 2025 (yep, that term is here to stay). Anyone who is urging calm or to wait and see is probably not worried because they know they will be fine either way. Offended, upset, and maybe even a little more than annoyed, but definitely not endangered or under threat of the retribution. I hope you enjoyed the long-awaited Thanksgiving reconciliation with your estranged brother and family. I'm sure his trad wife's pumpkin pie was delicious.

I believed with my entire heart and soul that Kamala Harris could have won this election, even as I suspected that Trump had become way too confident in the final stretch. It was quixotic for sure, and I allowed myself to get caught up in the rapture of possibility. My bad for forgetting that this country will break your heart. However, I refuse to feel anything but pride for what Kamala Harris tried to do, because dammit, what else was she supposed to do? Just let y'all act like she was invisible, throw away everything she and Biden accomplished in the past four years, and NOT stand up for the rule of law she vowed to protect and defend her entire career??? GTFOOHWTBS!

Right before Eli Pope infamously reminds his daughter Olivia (and all of us) that she has to be twice as good to attain half as much, he admonishes her for pinning her hopes on becoming First Lady. Because why work that hard just to be photographed wearing nice clothes? Of course, the irony is that Kamala Harris did exactly the opposite--she set her sights on the ultimate prize and got punished for not settling.

She made the case that she was ready, and she inspired millions of people to get out in these streets to try to salvage some semblance of what this country purports to represent to the world. That a bunch of billionaire good ole boys had the mean$ to thwart our hopes wasn't entirely unforeseeable, just profoundly disappointing. And typical. I will never concede that that they won this election fair and square, because they spent enough money and effort at re-writing every rule to ensure that they won. Their victory, celebrated in the form of taunts and trolls and every single Cabinet pick, has been intended remind us that they had every advantage and exploited every vulnerability, on their dime but at our expense. 

Exhibit A: Reneging at Spades

How was it even possible that a man whose documented history of racism and sexism was able to turn this election into a referendum on Blackness by using sexism??? From dredging up her past romantic entanglements to misrepresenting her record as a prosecutor to mispronouncing her name and even questioning whether she ever worked at McDonalds, he even had folks on Blue Ivy's internet arguing about how she cooks her collard greens...

Once he had folks fighting at the summer barbecue, his next great trick was to exude so much confidence that he could make inroads and gain the support of disaffected Black men, in spite of their historic loyalty to the Democratic Party. For the past several election cycles, Black women have been touted as the base of the party and rewarded as such with high profile and visible positions. The elevation of individual Black women in political discourse was then framed as yet another advance that has occurred at the expense of Black men overall, despite the fact that there are still more men in positions of influence and power such as James Clyburn, Hakeem Jeffries, Rev. Al Sharpton, Wes Moore, and Barack Obama. 

We have always been clear about the ideological diversity within the Black community, so the shock isn't that there were Black men who supported a return of the Chaos King. It's that some of the most vocal Trumplogytes, like Mark Robinson (R-NC) and Royce White (R-MN), crapped out and have nothing to show for their loyalty, not even a Black job. The others who didn't go quite as far will likely see some personal reward, but at what expense to the rest of us? How much of the Trump prosperity hustle will trickle down to our communities? Enough to buy some sneakers, a Cybertruck, or just a carton of eggs?

Exhibit B: Cat-Fights Over Public Bathrooms

Can you imagine the kind of mental gymnastics it takes to consider a public restroom as a "sacred" space? The same place where you can get a communicable disease from washing your hands. Those 55 percent women are so smart as to allow a man who shits on his own private gold toilet...better yet, the man who bought a beauty pageant so that he could leer at underage girls to convince them that he will be their Protector, whether they like it or not.

If it wasn't clear before that we didn't pledge the same sorority, we sure know that now. 

You've got to hand it to those smart Handmaidens of Patriarchy--the wives, mothers, and daughters who dutifully follow the roadmap of expectations and guidelines that allow some women (not all) to aspire just beyond the realm of what is acceptable. Women who may have jobs and careers, even as high as the rank of being a Governor or a Senator as long as they represent and articulate the values that men proscribe AND make sure dinner is on the table by 6pm every night. 

Contrast their success with that of those smart-assed women who decide on their own, without male permission or approval, to make choices for themselves. Women who did not get married to their high school sweethearts or first college boyfriends, who don't prioritize motherhood over careers, or who have the nerve to call themselves feminists--they represent the kind of moxie that is too disruptive to the Old World order of things. What kind of world would we have if women keep demanding access to previously exclusive male enclaves, like the Supreme Court, church pulpits, C-Suites, and the Oval Office? 

One with gender-neutral bathrooms.

Exhibit C: Knowing is Half the Battle

In spite of how much this loss still hurts, I want it to be known that I DO NOT have regrets. I have gripes and justified rage because we shouldn't be here licking our wounds and questioning who we are. I know who I am, what I believe, and why I voted the way I did. That shouldn't be in doubt--it's those other people whom we need to redefine and see more clearly. 

Thus, let's take the advice Mother Maya Angelou gave us to heart--when people show you who they are, believe them the first time. That applies to Trump, but more importantly to the people who voted for him again, some for the third time. They knew what he was and voted for him in the hopes that he will do EVERYTHING he promised them. Let's accept that the people who proudly wave Confederate flags, who were willing to violently overthrow an election, and who are giving millions to celebrate the return Emperor Conmani Grifticus--they have shown us who and what they are, so we need not waste time or energy expecting anything better from them. 

They will never be moved by the pain endured by others either because they profit from it or are shielded from its effects. What does it matter to them if police officers can harass Black and Latino men with impunity as long as their gated cul-de-sacs remain safe? We live in food deserts and have little to no economic investment in our communities, but they don't, never will and they are fine with that. If they don't want their children to go to school with ours, they can convene at the local coffee shop after morning drop-off to strategize about how to trick us into diverting our tax dollars into funding their private schools.

To that end, we need to stop lying to ourselves that all Americans want the same things. We don't. I don't want sundown towns, mass deportations, or laws that track our daughters' menstrual cycles. I wasn't looking for the annihilation of those with whom I disagree, just some compassion, empathy, justice, or a semblance of common decency. I wanted to dismantle the systems of oppression that have historically denied opportunities to the marginalized. I never expressed any desire that others should suffer, not even a fraction of what has been wished upon me...

Still reluctant to admit who and what we are facing? Still holding out hope that we can appeal to the better angels of people who claim that American greatness is best exhibited by cruelty? From the same people who heard the stories about dead mothers who were denied life-saving health care and didn't shed a single tear? By the fanatics who happily waved signs that read Mass Deportation Now and will cheer when people are rounded up and families ripped apart? Unity with the folks who felt more inconvenienced by a global COVID pandemic and ignored the AIDS epidemic because it wasn't their problem? Ditto for famine, climate change, lead water pipes, or the strategic placement of power lines near communities that result in childhood cancer clusters. Are you that blind to their depravity?

Before you launch into a self-righteous lecture on tolerance, don't. Take that nonsense to Twitter. These are not simple differences of opinion; they are irreconcilable--the kind that place people's lives in danger. Those people aren't looking to live together in perfect harmony. They want to make us feel demoralized, conquered...so any and every suggestion of appeasement or conciliation is bullshit. Some of these capitulators are the same folks who wanted a contested convention, so we need to be clear about them as well. 

This wasn't an American Idol finale. Some of us just can't get over the result and move on as if everything will be fine. Until and unless you accept that there are clear lines between good and evil, then we cannot reassemble this fractured coalition. Because right now, if you are advocating a strategy of if you can't beat them, you will join them, then you have told me where you stand at times of challenge and controversy...on the sidelines waiting to see who emerges victorious. 

Having spent a month in reflection and rest, I still lament what we could have had by electing Kamala Harris. But it's above me now. As another Whitney Houston song begins to play in my head, I have to focus on the future. I've spent nine months mourning my Mom. I don't plan to spend the rest of my life mourning this country. I can't guarantee that I won't get caught up in my feelings every now and then, but I've got shit to do. 

Stay tuned.

Still Not Aspiring to Be Humble

Last week, I went mean girl on someone, and instead of over-thinking whether I should have been more demure and mindful with my words, I leaned in. And in the most-Audrerific way (my new word for when I'm channeling my Mom), I essentially told him to cry harder. Not today, not tomorrow, and not ever again Satan!

If you light a match, you better be ready for this smoke! Now that I am a woman of a certain age, I am no longer measuring my words nor apologizing for being who and what I am, especially not when like Toyota, you asked for it.

Obviously, there is a backstory, and it starts with a Facebook post in a group. This is a mixed, intergenerational group of HBCU alumni, so there are posts that run the gamut from super serious to seriously stupid. And most folks know that, thus depending on the mood a post that is seriously stupid might be exactly what is needed to lighten the mood, while on other days it might cause someone to get their feelings hurt. The same is true for super serious posts--we may or may not be willing to engage in intellectual debates about why a grown man not getting his plate fixed at a family gathering is the reason why the Black family is in decline...so you gotta roll the dice and see what happens.

For whatever reason, there had been a series of sexist posts, including quite a few that IRL would result in somebody sleeping in his car or on his boy's couch. These seriously stupid posts started popping up right before Homecoming, which is usually when folks engage in all manner of tomfoolishness, and also why it didn't get called out and shut down sooner. Nevertheless, by late-November, weeks past Homecoming and with most of our group recuperating from the Election, the mood was definitely super serious.

The post at issue was a classic rate this woman, the same sort of foolywang that allegedly launched The Facebook in a Harvard dorm room (according to Aaron Sorkin's movie) or that was premise of Hot or Not--the grandfather of sexism on the Al Gore's internet. Some dude had the chutzpah to pose such a query, then logged off for the rest of the day--which only made the backlash in response to his post that more intense. His departure from the scene for hours led folks to question why this had slipped past our moderators and whether our group had been infiltrated. At some point, I happened upon his post, and as per the rules of engagement since the election have been that I am NOT in the mood for any fuckery, I pounced. I posted one sentence about how this post would have been more appropriate for a private group chat and then added this Audrerific: but you must not have any friends...and Lawd, it went viral!

Now, I know what I said was unkind. And I am not going to deny that I got a certain measure of satisfaction in seeing all of the likes and favorable comments from men and women alike. As a writer, I often hope that half of what I put into the universe has some impact on my readers. So yeah, my head got a little big.

Fast forward to the private message that the original poster sent me that evening, after he had ignored every other comment. Can you believe that man had the audacity to suggest that while his sexist bullshit post was bad, my response was worse!? And do you want to know what I did...

I rolled over and went to sleep.

The next morning, his message popped up on my computer, but it wouldn't load properly, so then I wondered if I had dreamt seeing his PM from the previous evening. Then I assumed that he had blocked me (like someone else did after a similar run-in last year), but after a quick reload, his message reappeared, and I decided that it warranted a reply. To ensure that I had accurately called him out for his cheekiness, I sought to refer back to the original post. Zounds, it had been deleted by the group moderators! Sadly, that means that there is no "official" record that I ever went viral other than my retelling of the events here.

Next time, I will be sure to get a screen shot! No worries though, since the point of this piece isn't to brag about landing an insult. Instead, I wanted to use that experience to proffer a few thoughts why dudes like him hate going toe-to-toe with out-spoken women like me. Furthermore, that is one of the reasons why I believe Kamala Harris isn't measuring the drapes in the Oval Office right now--because some of these mofos just can't stand a confident, undaunted, smart-ass woman!

Now before I open an entirely new can of worms, I will try to limit my post-election analysis to a few stray sentences here and there. I plan to fully unload in a separate piece. As you can imagine, I've got a LOT to say...

In response to the election results, I lashed out at a quite a few people, primarily folks like Brother Misogynoir because that is what happens when you can't meaningfully strike back at those who really got you twisted. I already posted a smart-ass mea culpa on my personal FB page after my initial round of friendly fire, but I guess I should have added a warning that I'm not done shooting from the hip. Therefore, I do NOT apologize for my annoyance at the assholery enabled by the very people who should have our backs; because in lieu of affirming and uplifting the spirits of the Black women in our shared, private space, that dude opted to engage in the same kind of SUPERFICIAL SEXISM that has made breaking the glass ceiling so elusive. Then he had the nerve to try to guilt ME into feeling some kind of way because no one co-signed on his nonsense? No sir!

As for the group moderators who chose to remove his post, in essence giving him a get out of jail free card, why the H-E-double hockey sticks did they let him off the hook? Why not mount his severed head on a wall as a caution to every future ashy mofo who might be inclined to forget that this ain't the boys' locker room at a private club or someone's wood-paneled mancave? If this reads like I'm taking it hard that my brilliant Audrerific clapback won't be preserved in cyber-posterity for future generations, trust I'm way more pissed that the decision to delete the entire thread only proves that some so-called safe spaces function to protect the wrong people.

I mentioned the fact that this wasn't the first time I've encountered a Cowardly Lion in that group or elsewhere on social media. Before the recent mass X-odus, I was down for a bird fight or two with friends and strangers. I had a friend on Facebook who was the kind of person whom I imagine would describe his interactions with people as part Michael Eric Dyson intellectual provocateur, part Chris Rock stand-up comic. Because I had known him in real life as well as online, I knew the best response to his pot-stirring was to add a grain of salt. So when he tagged me on a post to engage in a "debate" on a seriously stupid topic, I played along. That I happened to be sitting next to my Mom in the hospital was, at the time, part of the reason why I was willing to entertain this nonsense. I needed the distraction.

Then he made it personal, and I guess he resented that I didn't go high when he went low. After he pulled the mean girl card on me, he deleted the thread, then he took it up a few notches by blocking and de-friending me!

I kept a screenshot of the private message I attempted to send him, which had included an apology until shortly after my Mom passed. Call it a what would Audrey do impulse, but the fact that I ever acknowledged his hurt feelings or allowed him to take up any space in my life after what he did to me still pisses me off. He picked a fight, did a lot of trash-talking, got in the ring, danced around, then called the fight as soon as I landed a punch. He put me on blast, then tried to shame me because the tone of my response to his provocation was "mean". And in a moment of weakness, I actually thought that maybe I had gone too far.

Until I rewound the sequence of events as outlined above. He had engineered that entire fracas from start to finish, and as far as I know, he didn't stutter or think twice about anything he said that might have been insulting or hurtful to me. For me to even contemplate his feelings in the midst of what I was dealing with at my Mom's bedside is how I realized I was being played. It doesn't matter what he knew about my situation because he knew he was wrong. Why else would he delete the thread? 

We use the delete button to correct mistakes, to erase the things we don't want people to see or find. 

Which is why I did take a screen shot the private message Brother Misogynoir sent me last week, and I will save it for the next time he decides to forget he's in mixed company. I keeps receipts and I ain't scared of what these dudes think of me--I'm sure I've been called a bitch as much as any other woman. I said what I said, in true Audrerific fashion, without remorse. I won't be humble, ingratiating, soul-searching, or swallowing my pride. In the words of a few Chicks who know a little something about being gaslit by cruel intentions, carnival barkers, sociopaths, overcooked hams, and other people who engage in bad faith, I'm Not Ready to Make Nice.

Therefore, on this day when the good Lord saw fit to bring forth a daughter in Audrey's image, I hereby declare not today, nor ever again! I know who and what I am. Happy Birthday!