Saturday, February 18, 2017

Dear Ivanka

Yesterday morning as I listened to analysis of the daily disaster that is President 45, I had an epiphany of that goes against my better judgment in terms of offering any sympathy to this Administration at all. But, here goes:

Ivanka, your Daddy needs you. But more importantly, so does your country.

No, we do not need more of those tastefully bland dresses, bangles or shoes from what you call a fashion line. You know, the one that is being designed by someone else who is probably pissed that s/he ever made that deal to gain exposure by hitching onto your family name? Because as much as I feel bad that you are losing high end retailers left and right (not really), I think that is the least of your worries. But I promise if you have someone read this to you, then there is a slight chance of a turnaround (for your fashion empire, not your Daddy's disastrous presidency).

And a quick word about Step Mummy before I make my modest proposal--yeah girl, your country needs YOU, not her.

So dear Lady Ivanka, will you please step up to the plate and start acting like a First Lady? Instead of staring at Justin Trudeau, who is admittedly quite dreamy, would you please do something traditionally First Ladylike so that you can inspire the nation? Because after four weeks of hating your Dad, we need a break.

Traditionally we tend to like our First Ladies, even when we are deeply divided by opinions on their husbands. In my memory, the most polarizing First Lady was Nancy Reagan, but that changed once she became an advocate for Alzheimer's disease. Actually that isn't true when I consider how much folks still hate Hillary Clinton some 20+ years later, but I dare you to find anyone other than a few curmudgeons out there who harbor bad feelings towards Rosalyn Carter, Barbara Bush or the Lovely Laura Bush. And only the racists hated on the recently departed Michelle Obama, so what do you have to lose? Especially since Step Mummy wants no parts of the Washington fishbowl.

And for the record, we don't hate Step Mummy; we feel sorry for her. We get that her refusal to move into the White House is a declaration of independence of sorts, a means for her to plot her eventual escape. She just wanted to be an Upper East-side lady that lunches. But you dear Lady Ivanka were born for this. And besides, it offers you an altogether different and more lucrative opportunity...

To be our First Working Lady, the title that eluded Hillary Clinton in the 90s. The title that Laura Bush really didn't need since she was retired, and that Michelle Obama had to eschew for other historical considerations. However, you have a gold-plated opportunity to update the ceremonial persona of Presidential-consort by presenting us with a different, bolder, and more modern role-model. And you don't even need to wrack your brain to select any issues to highlight since you already identified plenty in your convention speech last summer. You said that your Daddy would be the champion for working women, so now is your chance to help him do more than launch another hashtag rebellion.

Here is the deal: we don't like your Daddy and there is a snowball's chance in Hell that will ever change. His dismal approval ratings might not be of concern to you now, as you bask in the afterglow of winning but you need to consider that he is a political novice who has limited political capital. Regardless of his oft-repeated mantra about an electoral landslide, he is vulnerable. All you have are his first 100 days when he gets only so many chances to fuck up.

Therefore, Lady Ivanka, we need you to deflect attention from his bizarre pressers, poorly crafted Executive Orders, and groggy 6am tweets. Find a magazine willing to put you on the cover wearing one of *your* designs. Address the unique challenges of being the First Daughter/Lady. Get accidentally photographed at a soccer game for one of your kids while touching a stroller containing another kid. Fire your undocumented nanny, have her deported, and then kvetch about how hard it is to find good help that doesn't waste taxpayer money.

It's almost time to announce the White House Easter Egg Roll, so here is what you should do: (1) make the announcement at an inner city DC public school where only "the blacks" and "Hispanics" attend; (2) have Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos invite the entire student body of W.E.B. DUBOIS Elementary School in Chicago; and (3) in a savvy nod to the changing of the celebrity guard from Jay Z and Beyonce, make sure that Tom Brady will be there with Gisele Bundchen and their brood.

People will love that shit.

To be clear, I am not advising you to sell out and order cupcakes for some charity function. Nor am I suggesting that you need to feign interest in poor people by riding past a soup kitchen. We don't need you to adopt some cause other than promoting yourself. Working women need to see you excel at what the rest of us barely manage because it will reinforce what we already know--First Ladyhood is easy when you have a staff and access to great makeup at your beck and call.

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