Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Your Blues Ain't Like Mine

Have you ever been in a mood that leads you to vent about something in a public (yet private) forum, and afterwards when you return to read the comments, one statement in particular rubs you the wrong way because the person is throwing shade and trying to make you feel bad for even sharing your silly little "problem" in a space where EVERYBODY else comes to share their drama?

No? Just me I guess.

The Hub and I had an argument last night, and because I had reached the summit of Mt. Annoying Husband, I shared my perspective on our dispute to an online group. I needed to vent. Afterwards, I went back on Mom-duty and spent the next hour trying to wear down a restless Toddlersaurus who is going through pacifier withdrawal). I was not online to read any comments on my post, but I saw them this morning, and for the most part, I think it was understood that I was merely venting.

There were a few comments that are best categorized as "go easy on him sister-girl because at least he is trying," and as I have learned in the past 16 years of marriage, everybody gives men who appear to be doing more than molting into the couch the benefit of the doubt. He gives you a bowling ball for your birthday with his name engraved on it, and you are supposed to be grateful that he gave you a present. And I am quite clear that no man has ever said to another "go easy on her bro, those monthly hormones can be brutal"...but I digress. I took the ribbing and even laughed at myself for being as upset. And as one sister urged, I am willing to pick a better battle.

But then one sister hit me with the single mom response, which in translation is "suck it up because I've got real problems, you spoiled bitch."

And that is why I don't share. That is why I keep a lot of my anger and irritations to myself.

I am also vexed because I feel that there is an inherent, unspoken rule that married women don't get to complain about their lives unless they are in an abusive relationship. Or if their spouse is unfaithful. Or if they are on the verge of ending a bad marriage. Or if an in-law oversteps or intrudes. Otherwise, our issues are small. Insignificant. Petty. Unworthy of even being mentioned in a space where folks come to vent regularly about baby daddies, ungrateful children, and karmic revenge on the other woman.

OK, I might be in my feelings; after all, it was just one chick with issues. In a public forum where I posted to solicit empathy, she had none to offer. And I get that because the single mom life is no walk in the park. I have no idea, but I have some insight as a family law attorney. And as a caregiver to a chronically ill parent. And as stay at home mother with no immediate family to step in to provide assistance, not even in an emergency.

And as a woman who would never judge another woman for being a single parent. Or a working mother. Or a stay at home mother with children in school. Or a older adoptive parent. Or a non-parent. Or a married woman with no children by choice. See, all of us have our own issues that make life a challenge. I have my basket of daily bullshit, and you have yours. It would just be nice if every now and then, I could pour some of that bs down the drain and not feel bad about wanting to lighten my load.

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