Monday, September 24, 2012

What Not to Wear

Every now and then, the Busy Black Woman feels compelled to offer unsolicited advice because well, I know things and this is my blog.  This past weekend, I was in New York City, the so-called Fashion Capital of the United States, but let me tell you, I saw plenty of unfashionable faux pas(ses) on the streets.  Mind you, I do not claim to be any kind of expert on the subject, but let's just say that a lot of ya'll need a Clint and Stacy intervention. 

And no, this is not about the Emmy', doing my best David Letterman impression, here are the Busy Black Woman's Top Ten Fashion Pet Peeves:

10. Team apparel - Americans love their sport heroes and proudly display their team preferences all year round, even in the off-season.  My disdain for team apparel reaches its zenith during football season because errybody and their mamma in DC is either a Redskin or Cowboys fan, but I don't care if you are wearing a football, hockey, soccer, basketball, or baseball jersey.  If you are not physically at a game, in a sports bar, or seated in front of a giant flat screen in somebody's living room eating hot wings and watching a game, then wear some real clothes. I do not want to be seated next to you and your children at church dressed in matching Lakers gear (and WTH)!

9. Stripper heels - Maybe it is because I am a tall girl and I think this obsession with higher and higher heels is over-rated, but the very description of this footwear suggests that no self-respecting woman should be teetering down the street in 6" heels.  The average woman can barely stand to walk around in heels half that height, so why in the name of all that is holy would you want to submit yourself to such torture?  Just say no to skanky ankle-spraining shoes!

8. Brown flip flops on men - A few years ago this viral parody made the You Tube rounds and it was kind of funny when it was noted that every guy in Arlington wore brown flip flops (right around 1:57).  Then I noticed that it was not just an Arlington thing as brown flips are apparently the universally preferred summer weekend footwear for men.  Not that I go around judging men's feet, but maybe I wouldn't have such a problem with this look if women were allowed to walk around with ashy ankles, crusty heels and unclipped toenails...

7. That hat - You know the one I mean--that hip fedora that at least one person in every group of friends owns.  That hat s/he insists on wearing every time you go out.  Lasy year, that hat was cool, but now that it is sold at Target and old men are wearing it indoors, I just need that hat to go away.

6. Feather hair extensions and earrings - No major explanation, I just don't care for this accessory trend.

5. Pajamas in public - No words...except that maybe the only thing worse than this:

are these.

4. Skinny jeans for men - I need someone to blame for this trend, and Lil Wayne is it. He wore these:

during a performance at last year's VMAs.  And ever since this image was burned onto my retina, everywhere I go, I see more and more guys committing this same crime of fashion.  Don't get me wrong, I am ok with men in skinny jeans worn the proper way, but this jeggings-snug-just-under-the-butt-so-that-I-know-exactly-how-dirty-your-underwear-is look?  Disgusting!

3. Men in loud colors - This look annoys me because--and not that there is anything wrong with being gay--but I only ever see gay men dressed in blindingly bright hues. Sorry, but a menswear color palette should be toned down a bit lot.  Only children and superheroes can get away with wearing tight rainbow garments, not grown a$$ men.

2. Tattoos in inappropriate places - The husband does not like tattoos at all whereas I generally presume to ignore them.  Unfortunately, these days there is no way to ignore most tattoos as some people have ink on every visible spot of their bodies.  While that may be an individual prerogative, there are certain places where even the suggestion of a tattoo should be socially unacceptable--neck tatts, face tatts, lower back tatts, upper thigh tatts, and chest tatts (which on women, I refer to as titty tatts). 

And the Busy Black Woman's Number One Fashion Pet Peeve is:

1. Leggings as pants - A friend shared, and the Washington Post confirmed that this grievance was once written on the public Festivus kiosk in Adams Morgan a few years ago: "A pair of leggings [is] not pants".  And yes, dear reader, it is true--people really do celebrate Festivus and no, LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS!!!

When I wore brightly patterned leggings with baby doll dresses or solid-colored leggings with oversized plaid shirts and combat boots 20 years ago, my behind was covered.  Today, leggings worn without sufficient butt coverage means that a lot of folks can see your flowered, polka dotted, hearted, PINK-emblazoned granny panties, boy shorts and thongs.  Clothing that is see-through as a rule is not meant to function as a stand-alone clothing is meant to be layered.  For instance, a chiffon skirt (a tutu) is often paired with tights or...leggings (sigh)


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