Of Allies and Friends

Thanks to this never-ending government shutdown, the Hub and I went out on a child-free date to the movies recently. I cannot say when we last did that, but clearly it had been so long ago that I forgot that he is typically lying when he claims not to want any popcorn. Anyway, we saw Vice, the movie about Dick Cheney and it was quite interesting. But since I don't do movie reviews, let's move along to the reason why this movie inspired me to write, which was its portrayal of the women in Dick Cheney's orbit.

It wasn't much of a stretch to believe the depiction of Mrs. Lynne Cheney as a Lady Macbeth-styled puppeteer, nor that hard to see her eldest daughter Rep. Liz Cheney (R-WY) as her eager heiress apparent (ironic, but not unbelievable). Conservative women make no apologies for their beliefs or political leanings, with very few exceptions even for family. So my curiosity was piqued by the sympathetic treatment of younger daughter, Mary Cheney who is a lesbian. For some reason, I made the foolhardy assumption that she might represent some latent humanity in the Cheney family bloodline...but alas, I was wrong. My superficial research revealed Mary to be no champion of political moderation, just accommodation for her civil rights. She's cut from the same conservative cloth as the other Lady Cheneys.

That same mistake in judgment describes my reaction to the status update a friend posted last week that posited the key to winning the White House in 2020 was to cultivate moderate Republican women. She then dared folks to challenge that assertion, which I did with my usual points about it being the 21st Century version of the Lost Cause. My friend countered with arguments about coastal elitism and common ground, and again, I responded with a more detailed reiteration of my Lost Cause theorem. Then I let it go because, well, we're friends and even though she was absolutely WRONG, there was no point in taking it personally (and please, if you happen to read this, it still isn't personal, Sis).

But, you're still wrong. This idea that there are enough moderate GOP women who can be wooed to vote against the current White House occupant is both provocative and hopeful, but in my experience, about as probable as impeachment. It could happen. It should happen. But in all seriousness, it won't happen which is why our focus is aptly aimed at the nomination process for a viable challenger. I have no opinion on the prospects of any of the likely contenders because I am a true believer in the vetting process. The entire point of a primary is to have all of the options spread out for us to review qualifications, evaluate their strengths and weaknesses, and then decide who gets our vote.

But that is not a choice that should be made to appease a voting bloc that has demonstrated time and time again that they are unreliable.

There are certain assumptions that come to mind when I try to conjure up an ideal GOP moderate woman, even as I am skeptical that such a voter still exists in this hyper-partisan world. I would like to believe that such a woman chose not to vote in the 2016 election after all of the pussy-grabbing talk, or that she voted for Gary Johnson. I would like to believe that such a woman is the nice lady who works at the gift shop at the Shrine or perhaps she is the owner of a small business like the plumbing contractor we hired recently. I want to believe that those classmates who long ago moved from the suburbs to the exurbs could possibly be swayed to vote for someone who did not insult Gold Star military families, rile up crowds with boogey man nightmares about immigrants, or use the word disgraceful to describe everything but his own behavior.

But I know better. I know that these women vote their economic interests and aspirations above everything else. These women vote for the protection of their status in society. They will extol the virtues of standing by their men, and will eagerly lead the charge. That when faced with the choice to vote for another like-minded woman over a man, they will choose the man because they trust his judgment. They don't identify as feminists even though they benefit from affirmative action, family leave, and choice in reproductive health care. But they will decry activism like #metoo as counter-intuitive and The Women's March as destructive to families. They will complain that diversity efforts unfairly limit the opportunities for their sons and brothers. They will love their brown grandchildren, nieces, and nephews as much as they love their pedigreed pets. They will openly question what type of woman wants to run an empire while they dominate local school boards, admire and emulate Martha Stewart, and take their daughters to see Taylor Swift.

THESE WOMEN ARE NOT OUR ALLIES. They may be our co-workers and neighbors and maybe even someone we might call a friend, but they are not allies that we can trust when it comes to dismantling inequality. Or reclaiming our country from a lunatic. Or standing up for other women.

In popular culture, these woman are represented by the likes of Edith Bunker, Jill Taylor, Debra Barone, Lilith Sternin Crane, and Roseanne Connor. We all love Edith Bunker and laud her friendships with Louise Jefferson and Beverly LaSalle as proof of her open-mindedness despite the fact that she was married to Archie. Because Jill Taylor tolerates the Toolman's misogynist persona and Debra Barone tries to get along with her in-laws, we sympathize. But Lilith will always defend her son Frederick, even when he starts to sound and dress like Tucker Carlson. And we already know what happens to Roseanne and why she voted the way she did in 2016.

BECAUSE (and yes, I am actually shouting this) THESE WOMEN ARE NOT ALLIES! Allies make a big point of knitting pussy hats and wearing safety pins and black dresses to the Golden Globes and while we eye-roll all of that as superficial, at least those are real acts. Allies engage in social media activism and then follow up with donations to causes like bail reform and support for migrant children. Allies hit the campaign trail for Stacey Abrams. Allies intervene, like when those two Black men were getting arrested at Starbucks, and then support Starbucks' decision to close for diversity training. Allies apologize when they mess up and don't consider that a weakness.

ALLIES SHOW UP FOR OTHERS, so you cannot expect a woman who counters your Black Lives Matter statement with All Lives Matter to empathize. Moderate GOP women did not show up for Claire McCaskill or Heidi Heitkamp, moderate Democrats from red states who campaigned aggressively for their votes. How many moderate GOP women in Alabama almost allowed Roy Moore to become their Senator? Hell, they didn't show up to keep Mia Love in Congress, but somehow they sent Mitt Romney to the Senate from the same state.

Because at the end of the day, Mary Cheney still loves her family and will vote accordingly. Jill Taylor might have been an activist in her youth, but she has three grown sons. Debra Barone has twin sons probably just out of college. Why should those women trust Christine Blasey Ford's account of a drunken teenage romp if she didn't get raped and didn't press charges? So why should we trust them...ever?

The BBW Tea Party: The Color Purple Revisited

I just did this for another movie, but I feel the need to revisit a classic of Black cinema, The Color Purple. Specifically, I want to bring this scene to your attention:

Watch this one pivotal scene closer to understand why this film was so significant and powerful, and why it continues to resonate to this day. If you have seen this movie as many times as I have, you can probably recite it by heart, but have probably only focused on the line where Miss Sophia threatens to "kill him dead" if her husband continues to beat her.

Normally, I would dispatch a quick mini-blog to the Facebook page to make my point, but the moment dictates that I make the following long-form argument to be preserved for posterity: BLACK WOMEN HAVE BEEN SPEAKING UP AGAINST SEXUAL VIOLENCE FOR YEARS. But some of y'all are just starting to listen.

When Alice Walker wrote the novel that later became the book that eventually became the play, she was telling the story of a woman who had endured decades of sexual violence. It began with her impregnation by the man she thought was her father and continued with the man she was married off to as a child bride. The book was released in 1982; the film was released in 1985. I was a child during that time period, but I remember very well the controversy that was stirred up by both. I recall that the book was denounced as illicit and was banned, but I was in elementary school at the time, so I had no first-hand knowledge of the particulars until years later. When the film was released, the backlash honed in on Steven Spielberg as the director, and the portrayal of 'Mister' by Danny Glover as an unrelentingly cruel avatar of Black manhood.

Unfortunately whenever a work of art is overtly and unapologetically feminist, folks get really uncomfortable and defensive. The pro-family fundamentalists are offended by challenges to patriarchal norms while some Black men regard negative depictions as destructive to the community. Then because some of the detractors are also anti-Semitic and conspiratorial, the seminal value of the work gets derailed by the whining of a petulant, but vocal minority. The Color Purple becomes perennially maligned as a work with a perverse, immoral, and disparaging agenda instead of an empowering story of resilience and fortitude.

Despite those protestations, the movie endures and has become a staple of lazy Sunday afternoon viewings. I remain baffled that the most vociferous ire was expressed over the depiction of Mister than in sympathy for the horrific atrocities that were committed against Celie: no outrage that she was raped and impregnated twice by her step-father, no uproar over her being married off as a child bride, and no umbrage over the physical abuse and humiliation she endured for years.

Sadly, I learned from some of the ridiculous responses and reactions to that documentary about the abuses and excesses of a certain R&B singer that some of you would rather defend a Mister than to stand up for a Celie, Nettie, Sophia, Shug Avery, or any other woman. Some of you are just like Celie in accepting (and sometimes recommending) abuse because you don't recognize your worth. Or maybe you are lucky like Nettie to escape it, or clever like Shug Avery to avoid it, but they both accepted sexual violence as normal. That's why Sophia stands out--she talks back, she fights back, and when she has had enough, she leaves. Sophia declares to the world that it can be unsafe for women within their own families, yet we missed that message for 30 odd years or more.

Hopefully by now you've had an Oprah aha moment where you get mad that it took you this long to realize what you already knew. Or you will get angry that you needed to see/hear it to believe. Perhaps some of you will finally open your eyes to how abuse gets perpetuated and passed down to subsequent generations. The rest of you might wonder why I sometimes take two seemingly unrelated topics and try to connect them like this (I like to challenge myself).

Can We Talk?

We need to address this. I know that we prefer to move onto the Golden Globes and the government shutdown and how Ellen thinks she speaks for all LGBTQ people, but we need to address this. I know that some people are upset that there hasn't been a Weinstein/Moonves/Lauer documentary yet; that Woody Allen still gets to make the same film over and over again; that the POTUS still gets to preen in front of the world daily; that since Bill Cosby is sitting in jail, this is just another part of the ongoing black feminist agenda to attack Black men. But we need to discuss this.

I am not talking about the documentary. I am not talking about his music. I am not talking about the parents or the money they were paid or the rumors or the ex-wife. I am not talking about that man. I won't even call him by name.

We need to talk about sexual violence in our families. We need to talk about terrible family secrets that destroy young lives. We need to talk about how our children are sexualized too early in life, before they even reach puberty. We need to talk about how our daughters develop bodies that give grown ass men excuses for inappropriate behavior. We need to talk about the kisses and hugs that happen when we are not around. We need to talk about how hurt people go on to hurt other people. We need to talk about why parents should not allow the earning potential of their talented offspring to blind them to real-life danger. We need to talk about why so many people feel more comfortable using social media to tell their stories of trauma.

We need to talk.

We need to talk about an industry that has allowed the exploitation of young girls to become part of its lore (we can call the names, but those are the ones that we know). We need to talk to our children and not assume that our sons are any safer than our daughters. We need to talk about abuse that occurs outside of the home committed by other adults that our children are told to trust. We need to talk to our children so that they know that they can talk to us.

We must not allow this moment to pass with a shrug. We must not argue that a tormented soul should be forgiven for his abusive behavior because of his musical genius. We should demand respect for the victims. We should not be dismissive of their trauma.

We need to talk about these folks who have been downloading more of his music in response to the documentary. We need to talk about those artists who worked with him in the past and have remained silent. We need to talk about the companies that profit from and protect him. We need to talk about the folks on his payroll who have known about his depravity for years. We need to talk about guilty consciences, strange bedfellows, sycophants, and attention-seekers.

We need to do more than express our outrage over social media. We need to do more than delete his catalogue from our playlists. We need to do more than demand that his songs no longer play on the radio. We need to do more than just talk among ourselves.

We need to talk.
We need to talk to our sons.
We need to talk to our daughters.
We need to talk to our sisters and brothers.
We need to talk to our cousins.
We need to talk to our nieces and nephews.
We need to talk to our grandparents.
We need to talk to our aunts and uncles.
We need to talk to our bonus children.
We need to talk to our godchildren.
We need to talk to our parents.
We need to talk in our churches.
We need to talk in our schools.
We need to talk in our organizations.
We need to talk to our friends.
We need to talk to a therapist.
We need to talk, even if it dishonors the dead.
We need to talk, even if it disgraces the living.

I'm here to listen.

Judge Your Mama

My worst parenting meltdown occurred yesterday. I am guessing this is just a foretaste of all that I have to look forward to as my daughter gets older, so maybe I need to find a therapist now for the both of us (or a criminal defense attorney).

The circumstances that led to the meltdown: typical kid acting like a kid in public without a coat and with one boot on her foot as it began to rain. As the situation continued to escalate and I got more desperate, it occurred to me that the neighborhood where all of this was going down has changed enough that the cops might be called. We were literally a block away from my church, but Jesus didn't come when I called out to Him for help. Instead, He showed up to keep this child from getting herself killed...right on time as the old folks would say.

Those same old folks would advise me to whoop that ass, but this headstrong daughter of mine isn't one to be deterred by physical discipline. She requires a much more dramatic oh-shit-Mommy-ain't-playing demonstration of power, kind of like this:

My problem is that I can only destroy the planet once...

So I took away all of her toys. That meant she had a conniption at bath time last night, so I guess we're showering for the rest of the month, but that's fine with me. I took away all of her favorite books, all of her stuffed animals, all of her new dolls, and I have forbidden her father from taking her to McDonald's for the rest of the month. She tried it again this morning, so we didn't make it to church, but that's okay too because God knows my heart.

If need be, we will all be on punishment because we are not raising a spoiled brat. My daughter will not be one of those children that y'all post videos of on social media. She will not be on camera sassing and trashing because she didn't get her three-year old way. And no, you won't be posting a meme or gif of me administering any kind of public spanking because I am determined to find better ways of instilling discipline. Not because I think that I am so enlightened (because there are times when the rod cannot be spared), but as I have already conceded, my child doesn't respond with shock or compliance at being spanked.

And as I have also learned, the general public would rather judge parents than support them. As my child ran down the street past at least three groups of onlookers, NOBODY tried to intervene. So if she had gotten hurt, I would have been at fault for not being a better parent because only a bad mother would chase after her child with a coat in January.

And right here is where I need to make a confession: I began this piece a few hours after the meltdown, when I was still very much in my feelings. I was distraught and ashamed that I was unable to manage my child's behavior, which had already begun to deteriorate prior to us getting out onto the street. I was worried what people who witnessed this must have been thinking. I had indicted myself as inept and lacking. When a similar brouhaha began this morning, I reacted and as usual worried if my anger was somehow to blame for my daughter's inability to control her emotions.

PHUCK ALL THAT.

On my way to a brunch date with a friend this afternoon, I suddenly had my epiphany--I am what I am, which is emotional and dramatic. I am a lot of things that this child will have to address with that therapist one day. But the one thing I am not is a bad mother.

I am not perfect, but perfection isn't in the job description. I am present. I am patient. I am mindful. I want to encourage her creativity and support her dreams. I will try to provide her with every opportunity and advantage that I can to get her started in life. But I am not her friend. I am not willing to make excuses for her bad behavior. I am not going to be that parent who gives an interview in which I swear on a stack of Bibles that my daughter was always an angel who never ran off down the street in one boot and without a coat.

My job is to protect her, but there will be times when I won't be able to save her from herself. She might have to get hurt in order for her to learn. For the rest of this month, that pain will come in the form of not having any toys or entertainment. We will adjust; I might de-clutter. If I have to make everyone in this house miserable...such is life. Just like life requires that I must endure the stares of gawkers with camera phones who would rather judge my ineptness than to assist me. Yeah, phuck them too.

The BBW Tea Party: Revisiting Classic Movies

One night the week before Christmas, the Hub and I happened to be watching Breakfast at Tiffany's. Right around the point when Holly (Audrey Hepburn) got arrested and Paul/Fred (George Peppard) was attempting to secure her bail, I updated my Facebook status with the observation that the iconic film was a lot more problematic to me at 45 years old than it had been at any previous viewing. And wow, my friends' reactions were...interesting.

In the past several years, I have re-watched many classic films and had to shake my head at the various significant details that had flown right over my naive little head. Like the fact that Dorothy and the Lion got lured into a poppy field in The Wizard of Oz; and how in The Wiz, that same the poppy field was re-imagined as a Studio 54-themed brothel. Granted, I made the connection between "poison poppies" and their hallucinogenic effects years ago, so those aren't the best examples. (However, it was a bigger deal to realize that the Bad video and this subway scene were probably filmed on the same set. And also, upon watching the full video for the first time in years, MJ was heavily influenced by The Wizard of Oz, but that is another piece for another time.)

Contrary to what you might think, I didn't clutch my imaginary pearls over any belated revelations about Holly Golightly's 'profession'. I have known what she did and don't consider it all that scandalous in the grand scheme of things. While most of us have condemned Mickey Rooney's unfortunate cameo as a bad joke that has just gotten worse with time, we haven't thrown the entire movie away. No, it was the appearance of Buddy Epsen's Doc, the cuckolded husband that really opened my eyes. I'm guessing that most people were sympathetic to him: the simple country man who had taken in a poor waif and her brother, only to be abandoned by her when she left him for the bright lights of the big city. Except we overlooked one crucial detail--he married her when she was a 14 year old girl!

Oh, and he had been stalking her for some time until Paul confronted him in the park. Which means he knew where she was, what she had been doing, and somehow thought that he was rescuing her from debauchery and perversion. By no means does this revelation suggest that anyone should question whether this movie ought to be seen, lest we provoke another unnecessary culture war. I'm just saying that there were probably myriad reasons why Holly might have run away from that life.

And that is one of the clever things about movies. There is always more to see than what we tend to pick up in a casual viewing. For instance, I am sure that Star Wars fans have conveniently overlooked the incestuousness of Luke Skywalker's initial attraction to his twin sister. Or how it really makes no sense that Danny Russo's mother packs them up to move across the country to take a job as a restaurant manager in the original Karate Kid movie. In The Sound of Music, the Captain must have gotten busy with one of the governesses he fired because the Mother Superior tells Maria that he had been widowed for seven years; however, his youngest child says she is five. Everybody I know can quote lines from Coming to America, but how many of us took notice of all its sexism, like the swimsuit competition at the Black Awareness Rally? Shall we even discuss those early gratuitous Spike Lee movies, and can we finally admit that as much as we love Purple Rain, Prince is a misogynistic asshole throughout?

My status update was never intended to admonish folks for loving their favorite films. It was merely an observation that we all see what we want to see on screen. I love Pretty Woman, and Vivian certainly has a heart of gold, but we never question Edward's manipulative use of his money to control everyone and everything in his orbit. Does anybody who loves Gone With the Wind ever wonder what Mammy and the other former slaves got paid for their continued service and loyalty to Miss Scarlett after emancipation? Are we only mad at Mickey Rooney for his bad Asian caricature, while forgetting that he, Judy Garland, Fred Astaire, and other major stars performed in blackface? And we should probably throw West Side Story in the mix for casting one Puerto Rican star in a film that was supposed to tackle racial tensions among immigrants.

Yet, I will continue to watch these movies with my 45 year old sensibilities in 2019 and beyond because I accept that art is a product of its time. I like Italian Renaissance paintings even though I am clear that their depictions of Jesus are inaccurate. As much as I love both the book and the movie version of To Kill a Mockingbird, I am intrigued by the prospect of a staged version that gives more voice to the peripheral Black characters. I think The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is a masterpiece that kids need to read unedited in order to understand its brilliance. Our modern interpretations of those artworks don't detract from their value or significance...sometimes our updated perspective enhances the original work.

In fact, my 45 year old sensibilities allow me to appreciate Holly Golightly as a self-determined woman whose choice to escape her arranged childhood marriage is far more revolutionary than I previously realized. Maybe that was always the intention--for us to see a woman taking charge of her life on her terms instead of acquiescing to the choices made for her by others. In that respect, Breakfast at Tiffany's can be forgiven for some its more egregious transgressions. We just need to look beyond the iconic black dress.

 

The Busy Black Woman Gift Giving Guide 2018

Another Christmas has come and gone and I survived! This year, I decided to do most of my holiday shopping with small businesses, so in the spirit of sharing, here is the premier Busy Black Woman Gift Giving Guide for 2018.

Here's an interesting tidbit: one of the very first posts to this blog way back in 2010 was a gift guide. Yes, this blog has been around for that long...and it is interesting to look back on that old post and to realize how much has and hasn't changed. Anyway, I wanted to provide an index of all the businesses that provided me with gifts for my loved ones this season (I also posted pictures to the Facebook and Instagram pages earlier this week). The uniqueness of this list is that most of the items featured here were purchased from small businesses owned by women and people of color. Where possible, I included a picture and/or link to a website.

Another timely tidbit: Even though I do not personally celebrate Kwanzaa, I do want to highlight that this index is offered in the spirit of the fourth day when the focus is Cooperative Economics or Ujamaa.

BZB International, Inc.
Back in 2012, I began attending this annual holiday pop up bazaar that takes over the Family Life Center at my church every weekend in December. Because it reminded me so much of the Market Fridays that used to take over our Student Center on campus, my first impression was that it would be a cool place to do personal shopping for jewelry and maybe some stocking stuffers. Well, every year I've found more unique gifts and have managed to do some serious shopping, so it sucked that I was only able to go once this season, but here are a few of my finds (past and present):

Black Pack Playing Cards
I saw these and immediately thought of my younger brother, who has been a card shark since the age of four. Seriously, he would play spades and bid whist with our grandfather for hours, and by the time he was a teenager, he had graduated to black jack and poker. This probably isn't the type of deck he would want to use, but it is definitely a collector's item that I hope he will display.

Lisa McFadden Millinery
One of my favorite vendors at BZB is Lisa McFadden, who is making quite the name for herself these days. One of her designs is on display at the MET. I met her when she beckoned me over to her table and styled one of her signature CRUSH hats for me. I bought two hats that year; this year, I bought three, one as a gift for my mother. And I can tell you that the hat pictured here kept my head nice and warm on a recent trip to the city via the Staten Island Ferry.

Persona Luggage Tags by Helena Deneen
This is one of those gifts that I should have bought for myself, but in the spirit of the season, I bought one in every color for each of my sisters-in-law last year. I put it in the category of gifts that become practical when you realize that you need something like it, so I can't wait to find out if I can get one personalized for myself.

Handcrafted Pens by Marjorie
Here is another gift that I should have gotten for myself because I am always digging down into my bag in search of my car keys. I bought seven of these clips for my sisters-in-law this year (two married into the family on both sides). Such a cute idea!


Agape Dolls
There is always some crafty person who can turn everyday items into works of art. I came came across this vendor of hand-crafted ornaments this year and thought that some would make nice additions to someone's tree. I bought two ornaments made of natural materials and one doll.

Woodcrafts by Obanion
I had a lot of time to really browse last year, and this is one of the artisan vendors I discovered. I bought this piece, along with a mirror for my niece and her husband last year as a housewarming/wedding gift.

Bases Loaded Authentic Clothing and Kaps (B.L.A.C.K. 4 U)
This is another one of my favorite vendors; alas, I missed them this year because of that stomach bug that grounded me the weekend before the holiday. They have been my go-to for Negro League baseball themed gifts for the Hub and my brother. Last year their offerings expanded to include merchandise for the Buffalo Soldiers and the Tuskegee Airmen. Pictured below is the first jersey I bought the Hub:

Izzy & Liv Brown Sugar Box
Everyone has a subscription box these days, and this is my second year of membership with Izzy and Liv. The great thing about this box is that it offers its own name brand tees and accessories, but it also includes various products from other small businesses. I had a lot of options for all the women in my family as well as several friends. And believe it or not, I managed to keep several cute items for myself as well!

Businesses on Social Media
I discovered Izzy & Liv thanks to an advertisement on Facebook. Many of the businesses listed below were also advertised on social media, and after placing initial orders at other points in the year, I was pleased to patronize them again during the holidays:

Mented Cosmetics
One of my line sisters suggested this brand to me, and I believe that it was before Rihanna introduced Fenty Beauty. I was unsure if I wanted to repeat my brown matte lipstick phase of the 90s, but I bought the Fall trio in 2017 and now wear Nude La La practically everyday. They have expanded their offerings to include glosses, shadows, and blush, and I can't wait to try new some new colors. I gave the lip gloss sets to my nieces.

Blended Designs
I was introduced to this brand in an online group when someone posted a picture of a travel bag that had been created for Spelman alumnae. Another member of the group raved about the quality of the backpacks, so the next thing I know, I'm ordering this adorable lunch box for the Kid last summer and a backpack for the Niece. I had to buy a replacement lunch box this Christmas for the Kid (mommy mishap), so I bought myself a tote bag that I cannot wait to show off in the coming months.

Puzzle Huddle
I saw this company advertised on FB this summer right after I had placed an order for a set of puzzles by another brand on Amazon. Those puzzles were too easy for the Kid, who had suddenly advanced to more pieces, so it worked out for me try this out this company's offerings. I ordered two puzzles--one box was the size of a cell phone, but the other was normal size. I gave the smaller one away and ordered a few more as birthday gifts. Pictured is the puzzle the Kid received for Christmas, and yes she insisted on wearing her leotard while putting it together...so I think this answers any questions you might have about the impact relatable images have on children.

Mess In A Bottle
Someone referred me to this Baltimore-based brand, and just on the social media feed alone, this is an interesting company. The owner has a compelling personal story, but what's more intriguing is her 'each one teach one' philosophy of offering classes on how to start a tee shirt company! I've ordered a couple of shirts, and my only complaint is that when I purchased multiple shirts in one order, I only saw the option to include a bottle with one shirt for a $9 shipping up-charge (check the FAQs, which I neglected to do). However, that is a minor issue and I will happily buy other tees in the future.

Copper and Brass Paper Products
This is one of two paper companies owned by Spelman alumnae that feature Black Santas (I am placing an order with the other company, Midnight Reflections, as well). I saw a congratulatory post on Facebook based on an Instagram posted by a local Atlanta celebrity, so I placed a quick last minute order thinking that I could just save the bags for next Christmas. My Sister not only responded immediately with my order, but she also has interacted with me on social media, and I appreciate that personal outreach. Most of the photos I took of my gifts were taken with the C&B Santa design in the background. I look forward to seeing what other design options are available throughout the year.

Christmas in Color
This is another company that is owned by a Spelman sister. I saw something posted in one of our Facebook groups, and also saw a recommendation by another friend to check out their Black nutcracker decor. Initially, I could not think of anyone to receive these (because everybody I know has way too much Christmas stuff), but at the last minute I decided to order them for a neighbor and they arrived just in time. I bought the ornaments for my parents, so I am excited about adding some new colors to the tree.

Melanin is Life
I saw this company mentioned in an article about Black-themed tee shirts. The same younger brother who is a card shark also collects unique tee shirts, so I picked out the classic X tee from their Black History 365 Collection. I saw a few other shirts that I liked, so I shall return.

Scotch Porter
A bearded friend told me about this brand, so when I saw the advertisement on Facebook, I thought about my other brother who has a beard and is always concerned about ingredients. The promotion was for 50% off, so I bought the travel size Beard Collection and the brush. It's a little pricey for me to give to anyone other than a close relative as a gift, so this is a recommendation for other Busy Black Women to consider as gifts for the gentlemen in your life.

Rapid X Charger
Technically speaking, the Rapid X 5-port charger is included on this list because it was recommended by the Oprah on her list of favorite things for 2018. And something suggests to me that until Oprah made that fateful choice, this company and its products were better known among techies than the masses. But they delivered on time, the brother-in-law who received it spends a lot of time driving his kids places, and he was really excited about putting it to good use.

Brick and Mortar Local Businesses
I wanted to distinguish these businesses because they are actual brick and mortar stores that I have visited (and plan to visit again in the New Year).

Hunny Bunny Boutique
I drove by this cute boutique every week for almost two years before I ever ventured inside. When I did finally go inside, I met the owner who was very courteous and helpful. Then I returned to replenish some product with the Kid in tow, and she remained patient and courteous in spite of...she also carried handmade soy candles by Freres Branchiaux, which I bought as gifts for my teen nieces.

Petals, Ribbons and Beyond
This card, gift, and flower shop is run by a Spelman sister and is literally down the street from where I live. I've been buying flowers there for years, beginning with the arrangements she designed for my wedding back in 2002. On a recent visit, I bought two Spelman umbrellas as gifts for friends to support the fundraising efforts of her class, which will celebrate 50 years in 2020.

The Spice Suite
For our 10th line anniversary this Spring, the Spice Suite was one of the sponsors of the festivities. I don't recall what that entailed (possibly one of the activities I skipped), but I began to follow her on Instagram this Spring. In addition to having a unique concept, the space also hosts other small businesses for a weekly pop-up. I finally found my way there, and met the owner who was very friendly and helpful while assisting me with my selections for my sisters-in-law.

Toys, Babies, and More
I went into a Toys 'R Us for the first time in decades in 2016...so for the record, count me as one parent who, despite the nostalgia for the store that was, shed no tears for the chaos and crazy it had become. I saw this article on Facebook and made it my business to check out this new offering (but didn't make it to the actual store until Christmas Eve). Thankfully the owners were genuinely patient and helpful, and the toy Santa brought has been appreciated. I plan to return in the future because good customer service will always make up for other shortcomings like a limited selection.

Independent Bookstores
In an era when it is so much easier to order books online from Amazon, it takes real effort to venture into a bookstore. It takes more effort to find an independent bookstore, but somehow we're seeing a return of those small shops in the city. Thanks to the East of the River Book Festival, I bought several children's books from some really cool authors as gifts for some of the new little people in my life. I finally made it over to Mahogany Books, where I bought a nice gift for the Hub and for a few other young people. And though I went to Busboys & Poets to buy a him gift certificate for lunch/dinner, I ended up buying a book for my Dad and for the Kid instead. I need to include an honorable mention for Politics and Prose, where I intended to buy a book for the Kid's classroom book exchange (but the location I visited was closed on Mondays).

Dawn Price Baby
This local store just announced plans to close its doors in the New Year, which is sad. I don't remember when I first shopped there, but one of my fondest memories occurred the day after Easter in 2015 when I was nine months pregnant and hanging out with my then five-year old Niece. I waddled in and watched her play with everything from the classic Fisher Price toys to the toy trucks. My daughter has done the same thing many times, and the staff has always been tolerant and helpful. My last purchase there was the aforementioned book for the Kid's classroom exchange, and perhaps I will make it there before the doors finally close at the Capitol Hill location.

Beyond Christmas
So guess what, Christmas comes only once a year, but entrepreneurship is a year-round thing. Below are several other small businesses I patronized at other points in the year (and hope to do so again soon):

African American College Alliance
Ask Me Tees
Bailiwick Clothing
Beaded Souls
Brown Girls Do Ballet
Buffalo Dallas
DiviniCo 
I'm So DC
Jacq's Dolls
Loren Statianery
Mann Made Designs 
On Us Tees
Oyin Handmade
Popcorn Queens
Sugarfoots Dolls
Waju Designs on Etsy
Urban Intellectuals
Your Destination Day Spa

Salty Pretzels: Baby, It's Stupid Outside

The Great Christmas Debate of 2018 has been much ado over a song. A song that features a duet between a man and a woman wherein the two exchange flirty banter over whether the woman will spend the night with the man. A song that was written in the 1940s when such a suggestion was completely scandalous. A song that includes a vague reference to there being a spiked drink that might lower the woman's inhibitions and protestations. The song, as depicted in this scene from Neptune's Daughter, that won an Academy Award back in 1949:

A song that has essentially become the latest indication that people are committed to arguing over utter stupidity, especially at this time of year when we already have more than enough to keep us preoccupied. Nothing says Christmas quite like an argument about writing "Xmas" or whether to say "Happy Holidays" to your non-Christian neighbor or whether it is sufficiently festive to drink your over-priced coffee in a red recyclable cup.

A radio station in Cleveland banned the song from its playlist after receiving a few complaints. Then there was a station in San Francisco that polled its listeners for a decision on the song after it received backlash for a similar decision. A station in Denver stopped playing it too, so I guess that is why the daughter of the song's composer lamented that her father's legacy was being tarnished by association with Bill "say what's in this drink" Cosby. Thus, we find ourselves in the throws of a pop culture civil war, with the decision by a radio station in Louisville, KY to play the song for two straight hours serving as a Ft. Sumter moment.

Over a song that was deemed problematic by three (3) radio stations. Mind you, there are other radio stations in Cleveland, San Francisco and Denver that probably did not remove the song from their playlists. And if you don't live in any of those cities, then it is safe to assume that you still had access to this song at least six times or more per day (as is required by the special FCC rules that mandate how often we are to subjected to various versions of the same Christmas song in a 24 hour period). So there was no nationwide effort, just a highly publicized decision made by a handful of program directors.

I am sitting here with a bag of special sour dough pretzels dusted with peppermint bark because in response to local programming decisions, the snowflakes have declared that #metoo has gone too far. All because of their sentimental attachment to a 1940s ditty about a guy begging for some booty. 

Never mind that no one has taken to the streets in pussy hats or tiki torches. Apparently I missed all of the furious organizing behind the scenes that called for boycotts of the radio stations that opted to keep the song in rotation. I'm assuming that women will be asked to wear their best LBD in protest to the office Christmas holiday party. Because my God, what else is next on the hitlist #metoo???

In the same week that folks were whining that #metoo is spoiling life as we know it, former CBS Chief Executive Les Moonves found out that his sexual harassing azz could not pass Go and thus, could not collect $120 million in severance. In the same month that a victims' event for R. Kelly accusers was shut down by a fake bomb threat, a major Black media outlet was hosting a poll to determine if he deserved to be honored as a King of R&B music. (I guess the real movement to #MuteRKelly doesn't matter, so feel free to keep this remixed version of that song on repeat this season...somehow I'm sure he would approve.)

Look, I am of the opinion that this song has issues (and plenty of people hold that same opinion), yet it's harmless, and I acknowledge the slippery slope arguments that have been offered in its defense. It is a legitimate question though, when does seduction become coercive? And maybe the hoohaw caused by this faux controversy will give us an opportunity to contemplate an appropriate response. It isn't #metoo that has gone too far; it is our acceptance of sexism, even in its so-called benign forms, as tolerable. Because if you have ever been alone with someone, you can attest that this "harmless" scenario could easily veer into a dangerous, life-altering tragedy if the other person ignores your requests to stop. If no means no, then it shouldn't matter if the person is singing it, saying it, or shouting it.