Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Do You Know What You Look Like? Part One

The husband and I just got back from California (say it with me like the Governator...Kully-for-neeya) and hmm...I need to send out a public service announcement to a few of my single sisters.  Pretend just for a minute that I am your mama:

What the H3LL are you wearing??!!

Because some of ya'll looked like prostitutes...and while I cannot confirm or deny whether that was your occupation, I am going to assume that it was not since you were hanging out at the bar of the very fancy-pants W Hotel and not out on the strip like Julia Roberts at the beginning of Pretty Woman.  I also cannot imagine that the pros feel the need to travel in packs of three or more nor do they take the time to coordinate their outfits.

So here is the deal...the men you want are not taking the bait.  The husband and I observed for a full hour while three separate groups of straight men looked at, but did not choose to sample your merchandise.  Here a break-down of what we saw:

Male Group A - This was a group of about four men in their late 50s who looked like they had already been in the bar for at least an hour when we arrived.  They drank and talked among themselves, and despite several micro-skirted sashays in their direction, they never looked up from their conversation.  Or if one of them did look up, it was to signal to the waitress for another round of drinks.

Male Group B - Another group of about four men, but they were, at the oldest, in their 40s and they were watching.  And after witnessing a few scenes that I will recount a little later, they were watching and laughing.

Male Group C - A larger group of about 20 young, buff, professional hockey players (don't know for what team, but who cares).  There were actually about five subgroups seated in different parts of the bar, but at the front of the room where we were seated was a guy I will call Alpha One because he was clearly the center of the universe as everyone gravitated towards him (even the other men).  He was taller version of the character portrated by Adrian Grenier in Entourage

Single Lady - A woman in her mid to late 20s, dressed in a low cut black tank top and skinny jeans, who was seated with Alpha One and his posse when we arrived.  I assumed that she was somebody's girlfriend until she stood up and literally began a drunken invisible pole dance in the middle of the room!  She shimmied around the sofa, did a few back bends, and busted a few other moves while Alpha One continued to sip his drink in a zen-like state.  The men over in Group B nudged each other a few times and watched in gleeful fascination, but after five minutes Alpha One stood up and gestured to someone on the other side of the room.  And in a move that was perfectly choreographed, a security guard came over, spoke to her for a couple of minutes, and then discreetly escorted her out of the bar.  Alpha One sat back down and continued to sip his drink.

Lady Posse One - Two young ladies wearing short, tight micro-dresses came in and camped out behind Alpha One's sofa.  Miss Pretty in Pink kept flipping her hair in Alpha One's direction, while Miss Little Black Dress positioned herself so that her behind would be in his sight line if he happened to look up from his conversation, but after a few minutes, they were approached by someone's less attractive wingman and were stuck talking to him for the rest of the evening.

Lady Posse Two - A group of about four to five younger girls, who looked to be just barely legal came in and at first, they stood behind the sofa that was occupied by the older men of Group A.  After a few minutes, when it became clear that none of the men from our section of the room were aroused by their extra short skirts and extra high stripper shoes, they relocated to the back of the room. 

Lady Posse Three - This group began with three women in their mid-20s who were dressed a little more conservatively than the previous groups--meaning, they wore wraps/sweaters/jackets to guard against the colder night air.  They camped out in the space between Group A and Alpha One's posse.  After a few minutes, they were joined by a fourth woman, Queen Bee, who like Alpha One, was clearly the top dog in the group.  She was chatting with her friends when a member of Alpha One's posse beckoned for her to come over.  She was then introduced to Alpha One himself, while her girls huddled in the background. 

And then...well, now the BBW needs to take a commercial break.  There is a little more to this story, so stay tuned for Part Two.

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