What Not to Wear

Every now and then, the Busy Black Woman feels compelled to offer unsolicited advice because well, I know things and this is my blog.  This past weekend, I was in New York City, the so-called Fashion Capital of the United States, but let me tell you, I saw plenty of unfashionable faux pas(ses) on the streets.  Mind you, I do not claim to be any kind of expert on the subject, but let's just say that a lot of ya'll need a Clint and Stacy intervention. 

And no, this is not about the Emmy's...so, doing my best David Letterman impression, here are the Busy Black Woman's Top Ten Fashion Pet Peeves:

10. Team apparel - Americans love their sport heroes and proudly display their team preferences all year round, even in the off-season.  My disdain for team apparel reaches its zenith during football season because errybody and their mamma in DC is either a Redskin or Cowboys fan, but I don't care if you are wearing a football, hockey, soccer, basketball, or baseball jersey.  If you are not physically at a game, in a sports bar, or seated in front of a giant flat screen in somebody's living room eating hot wings and watching a game, then wear some real clothes. I do not want to be seated next to you and your children at church dressed in matching Lakers gear (and WTH)!

9. Stripper heels - Maybe it is because I am a tall girl and I think this obsession with higher and higher heels is over-rated, but the very description of this footwear suggests that no self-respecting woman should be teetering down the street in 6" heels.  The average woman can barely stand to walk around in heels half that height, so why in the name of all that is holy would you want to submit yourself to such torture?  Just say no to skanky ankle-spraining shoes!

8. Brown flip flops on men - A few years ago this viral parody made the You Tube rounds and it was kind of funny when it was noted that every guy in Arlington wore brown flip flops (right around 1:57).  Then I noticed that it was not just an Arlington thing as brown flips are apparently the universally preferred summer weekend footwear for men.  Not that I go around judging men's feet, but maybe I wouldn't have such a problem with this look if women were allowed to walk around with ashy ankles, crusty heels and unclipped toenails...

You Never Know

Last year a hurricane was expected to blow through these parts, so I dutifully went about preparing by buying groceries for my parents, my aunt, my then-crippled brother and the husband.  While I did resist the impulse to stock up on toilet paper and batteries (since I already had plenty in reserve), I did buy lots of tea bags, freeze-dried coffee creamer, canned soup and crackers.  I also went by the stadium and got a couple of sandbags in case of flooding.

For this, I was mocked mercilessly by the husband.  What good are sandbags, he asked, if we do not live anywhere near the river?  That might be a head-scratcher for some, but I suspect that even if we never have to use them to guard against a flood, we always have the option to split one open to use for traction in case of an icestorm.  Mark my words, they will come in handy one day!

I am admittedly an over-preparer.  An over-planner.  I am not a Mom, but I would be a great one since I always have wipes, snacks and anti-bacterial hand gel somewhere in my purse or in my car.  I am that friend who can respond favorably when someone asks for an aspirin, Tylenol, Advil or a Motrin. 

So Let Me Start By Saying...

This is the long-awaited recap of all the articles that I started, but never finished.  Instead of finishing them, I thought you might enjoy a little amuse-bouche of what I would have fully served:

Queen's Jubilee - I am a big fan of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, so like a good former subject, I celebrated her 60th year on the throne by watching the ad nauseum Today Show coverage with Matt and...Meredith???

Ann Curry's Exit - I was a fair-weather fan of the Today Show until they curried Ann in favor of the perfectly bland and unoffensive Savannah Guthrie. I have to say that while everyone in America except Ann knew that she was at best an awkward fit, nothing was more awkward than how NBC auf'ed her.

Sarah Palin on Today - Yes, because if your ratings are slipping why not take a chance on the maverick?  After all, that worked gangbusters for John McCain!

Mitt Romney - Snooze button (I'll come back to him in a few).

The Olympics - I actually wrote a lot about the Games on the FB site. And the sum total of all I need to say: GO TEAM USA!!!

Meeting Michelle Obama - Yes, the Busy Black Woman can honestly say that she was at a White House event where our gorgeous First Lady made an appearance. But no, I didn't actually meet her...I did, however, take a somewhat fuzzy picture of her on my cell phone camera.

Growing older - My birthday is in a few months which means that someday (not anytime soon, but someday) I will have to change the advertising on my blog to say that these are the musings of a forty-something Type A personality. Yikes!

Mitt Romney - Snooze button...(give me in a few more minutes).

Growing older, part deux - Unfortunately, a side effect of aging is losing people. This summer felt particularly tragic for me because several people I knew passed away, including an aunt and the woman who gave me my first professional job. It is sobering to realize that the safety net most of us had while growing up is fraying; yet, because we are still here, it is being rewoven with us as the fiber for the next generation.

Summer B-cubes - Yeah...too late for that one.

Soapy nights - I was not initially psyched about the return of Dallas until I saw the first episode and then I had to watch every single one and now I'm thinking that I need to join a fan page or something because WHOA!!!  (Oh, and I also liked what I saw of Scandal.)  So dear sultans of pop culture, if you have any compassion, you will usher out reality TV as quickly and efficiently as you did the macarena.

Mitt Romney - Snooze button...(last time, I want to talk about his convention first).
 
The Year of the Woman 2.0 - Is it me, or did the GOP really try to repent for its 1950s-like obsession with birth control and invasive ultra-sound procedures with Ann Romney?

Clint Eastwood - As I watched his speech, I kept reminding myself that this was the RNC Convention and not some random awards show where the cue cards got shuffled.

Paul Ryan - Apparently the dashing young VP candidate thinks he's Superman...

And finally, Mitt Romney - Snooze.

Life is Relentless

I have been meaning to write for so long and have so many unpublished pieces in the cue that the only person left on Earth who still believes in this blog is me (and there are days when I'm doubtful).  But today I had a revelation that compelled me to write this:

Life is relentless. 

There is always a bad time for something important to happen. There is never the right time for something unexpected. There is always something--the very next day after you come back from the other side of the ocean with a head cold, someone needs you to part the Red Sea or feed the multitude with a can of tuna and a box of crackers.  It never stops!

Life just keeps going.  The only way to keep up is to keep moving.

So that means that instead of making excuses about how difficult it has been to write these past few months because every time I turned around there was some catastrophe that needed my immediate attention, I will just come clean and say that when I might have had a spare moment to write, I just didn't--I chose to sleep/shop/drink/whatever.  However, today I am choosing to write.  Later on I will get a drink.

This past year (and yes, this particular phase started a year ago tomorrow) has been hell and I expect that it will not be the last time that I will make this declaration in my lifetime.  It was hell when I lost my mother in law a year and half ago. It was hell when I lost my job. It was hell when I turned 35.

But so what. Get up and get busy, Busy Black Woman! Inspire others to do the same. And have a drink after everything goes to back to hell.  Cheers!

It's Time to Cue the Music

I read an article this evening that might have, accidentally on purpose, described my life:

Chaos Theory: A Unified Theory of Muppet Types

Apparently, I am Kermit the Frog, an Order Muppet.  There might be legitimate arguments that I am a closet Chaos Muppet, but the first one to come to mind was Super Grover, the hapless hero whose superpower is causing trouble (but that would better describe the husband).

Years ago, my friends and I were up late one night and decided to assign Muppet identities to others in our group.  I am more than sure that my alter ego was Big Bird, which was hardly a stretch given my tall, yellow, awkward appearance.  We handed out some pretty hilarious, yet remarkably accurate Muppet identities based on personality and appearance--from Miss Piggy to the Count, Fozzie Bear, Beaker, Guy Smiley, Dr. Teeth, Oscar the Grouch, Biff and Sully, and of course, Elmo.  (Yes, I remember exactly who was who, and NO I am not telling :) 

Some twenty years later, I would have to reject the Big Bird label in favor of someone more mature.  Although I often feel like the overly fretful and neurotic Telly Monster, I would hope that I am not that depressing.  Like Kermit, I am predictable, particular and I have to have things just so.  I am a manager, director and producer; I am not the self-centered needy talent. I stay in on Friday nights to get ready for the meetings I have to attend on Saturday mornings.  I miss social events because I have work to finish.  I am always planning and plotting and strategizing for the next big move.   

It's not easy being green (and believe it or not, that was one of my favorite Muppet songs as a child).

Now that I think about it, I always preferred the Orderly Muppets to the Chaotic Muppets--Bert (individualist) to Ernie (psychopath); Scooter (needed the show to go on) to Gonzo (overrated hack); Snuffy (perennial pessimist) to Big Bird (clueless dodo bird); and the critics Statler and Waldorf (totally honest) to the Two-Headed Monster (no idea).

What does any of this mean to a Busy Black Woman?  Personally, it meant that someone understood me long before I ever thought to give my mania a name.  I am not a monster or a freak--I am just your average hard-working frog...

Don't Leave the House with a Run in Your Pantyhose: A Belated Mother's Day Tribute

I know that Mother's Day was weeks ago and that the stores are now stocking up for Halloween, but I wrote this piece last month but never got to post it.  Of course, as you already know, that goes with the territory of being the Busy Black Woman (edited slightly):

"Don't ever leave the house with a run in your pantyhose."


Last month, I offered up this statement as an example of something my mother had taught me.  It was a lie.  My mother probably never said this to me.


But she never had to say it because as a rule, she refuses to leave the house with even a small run in her pantyhose.  One Sunday I made myself late getting her for church after I discovered a ladder traveling up the back of my leg in the expensive ‘no run’ pair I was wearing.  Thus, when asked to contribute to a group discussion about lessons learned at mother’s knee, this was the first thing that came to my mind.

Of course, I can think of plenty of things my mother did not teach me, like cooking.  She rarely let me into the kitchen when she cooked, so everything I’ve learned has been through trial and error, very good cookbook recipes, and a few panicked phone calls to my late Grandma Wheeler, whose spirit I invoke whenever I fry chicken or wash pounds of greens in preparation for family holiday gatherings.  My mother did not teach me how to do laundry, a fact that became clear when I attempted to wash my very first load in college and wasted at least two dollars in quarters despite successfully loading the washer with carefully sorted clothes but NO DETERGENT.  My other late Grandma Hawkins taught me how to iron…bed sheets.  My Mom might have tried to teach me how to keep a clean house, but clearly that is not a lesson I took to heart.


Wait, I think she taught me how to wash dishes, but if memory serves, it was my fastidious father who insisted that there was a proper way to stack them in the drying rack…so that probably qualifies as a lesson rendered by both parents.

May, I Never

The title is a pun to describe the roller coaster that was the month of May.  May I never again:

1. Fail to respond to a situation that makes me uncomfortable.
2. Walk around in high heeled shoes on the concrete floors of St. Mark's Episcopal Church.
3. Believe the Baby Niece when she insists that she does not have to use the potty.
4. Expect that members of my family will actually read the very detailed emails I send.
5. Assume that I cannot be replaced.
6. Sell myself short with respect to talent.
7. Doubt that God can do anything!
8. Forget that everything happens for a reason.
9. Allow others to define me.
10. Say never again.