For the Birds

To the asshole who stole the package from my porch, phuck you. Phuck your children. And your mama. Phuck you.

I am so blown. This has been a rough month. So at the moment when I have convinced myself to take a step out on faith to try something new (another entrepreneurial venture), I get robbed. Again.

Remember when someone broke my window and stole the kid's diaper bag? Remember when someone took the drinks for my kid's birthday party from my trunk out in front of my house? Remember when someone broke into my car two blocks from my church and stole two purses? Remember when someone broke into the car in the front of the house? Remember when someone broke the window of my car just for kicks?

Maybe I didn't write about each of those experiences, but let me tell you how each time I really wanted to scream "I hope you break all of your front teeth and choke on your own vomit," but my better angels told me to pray for the person. And I kinda prayed that they wouldn't get audited or have someone smash birthday cake into their new carpet or endure some other kind of awful tragedy as karma for screwing me. And this time, I really want to try to find a silver lining, but I can't.

I can't think of the silver lining to having someone steal a package of mug boxes and crinkle paper from my doorstep in the rain, except that maybe they will feel really stupid for having made the effort to steal mug boxes and crinkle paper. I can't think of the silver lining from when someone relieved my trunk of water bottles and juice boxes for the kid's birthday party, except that hopefully the juice in those boxes was rancid. As for the genius who broke my car window to take the diaper bag, I sure hope they are still picking glass from my car window that has embedded in some really uncomfortable places.

I am tired because this is total bullshit. I wasn't being careless and nothing has ever been stolen from my front porch. Maybe UPS made a mistake, but as the company charged me $30 for shipping and didn't give me any options for alternative delivery, I think I'm screwed so I'm pissed. I'm trying to build something here, and you are phucking with me!

So phuck you, phuck your Mama, and phuck your mama's mama.